Lyndee's story

                This past week was back to school week 2012 - always a little crazy and it didn't really give me a chance to write a new post so I'm taking this opportunity to share another story of a courageous and strong woman that was shared with me.  No need to pick a name of a brave literary character this time.  Her name really is Lyndee and this is her story...
 
               My husband and I have always known we wanted to have kids. In fact, it was a necessity when we were looking for each other. We both used it as a screening for potential future spouses.
                For me, the desire to be a mom started in my childhood. I was 8 when my youngest brother was born and my mom suffered from serious postpartum depression. As a result, I became a second mom to my little brother. I remember feeding, dressing, bathing, and playing with him. I also changed his diapers and helped in any other way I could. I loved it. As a teenager, I baby-sat kids.  One little boy, I would watch for 12 hours sometimes because his parents both worked and his mom was finishing nursing school. Again, he became like my own child. I am still close to his family and in fact, my husband and I are godparents to that little boy and his brother and sister.
                I always envisioned becoming a mom. I have always wanted kids. In fact, I became a teacher and am surrounded by kids all day during the school year. When I was a child and would picture my future family, I envisioned it, not around a husband, but around kids. Unfortunately, I was so focused on school that I didn’t spend much time dating. I finally met my husband while I was in grad school and we were engaged three months later. We got married in July 2009 with the agreement that we would wait two years before trying for kids.
                However, I got antsy and pushed for trying sooner. He finally relented and in March of 2011, I finished my birth control and we started trying. For the first few months, I wasn’t worried. I knew it could take healthy couples up to a year, but I really thought that by 6 months, we would be pregnant. We weren’t. I tried everything I could think to make it better. I took my temperature and used Ovulation Predictor Kits to determine when I was ovulating. We timed intercourse perfectly. I would lie afterwards with a pillow under my bottom. We tried the positions most recommended for conceiving. We bought Pre-Seed and used it.
                When we had tried for 11 months, I called to make an appointment with an OBGYN. He tested my husband. He was fine. He also did an HSG test on me. Nothing was blocked. Finally he put me on Clomid. I have been on it for three months.
                Every month, the depression I felt got worse. At first I would cry for an hour when I got my period. That slowly turned into several hours and then a day. Then I would be depressed for a few days. It was horrible for both me and my husband. My husband was very patient with me, but eventually he said, “I feel like you have given me so much happiness and you have only been miserable with me.” That broke my heart, but as much as I wanted to reassure him that he would be enough, I just couldn’t. I knew that if I never had kids, I would feel cheated. Why can so many others do it so effortlessly, but we have put such work into it and gotten nothing in return?
                I was slowly becoming miserable all the time. I hated going to work, because there were so many kids around. I hated spending time with my family, because they all told me I just needed to relax. How can you relax when you want something so badly and there is nothing you can do to get it? I hated watching television, because it seemed someone was pregnant or had small children on every show. I was so fixated and life was becoming a nightmare.
                I have been a Christian since I was a small child. I was raised to trust that God would give us what we needed and we needed to be patient and trust Him to provide. But it seemed God no longer cared. I begged him to listen and send us what we wanted so desperately. I cried and pleaded for hours at a time. I would have given anything, or so I thought, just to have that baby I had always wanted.
                Then in May of 2012 our world changed. My husband went to the doctor and came home with a diagnosis of cancer. It was melanoma, but the tumor was so large, they wanted to check his lymph nodes to be sure it hadn’t spread. June 15, we got the news we never expected. The cancer was in the lymph node they took, meaning it had spread beyond the skin. Now it was serious. They would need to go in and remove all the lymph nodes under his arm. If it was in more than 2 more lymph nodes, the prognosis was not good. My husband would have about a 50/50 chance of surviving 5 more years.
                Suddenly my life was shattered. How many 27 year olds have to face the possibility of becoming a widow? And I began to pray and plead yet again. But this time for God to spare my husband. I made him a deal I thought I would never make. “Please save my husband’s life. Let us grow old together and you can take away any chance of us ever having kids together. Just let him be okay.”
                My husband went in for surgery a week later and a week after that, we had our results. The rest of his lymph nodes were clear. Now his prognosis is around 80% for 5 years. We’re currently getting ready for him to start a clinical trial.
                I still want kids. I want them as much as I want air to breathe, but I would make that prayer again in a heartbeat. I would trade all my potential children for just 5 more years with my husband. And I mourn that year I spent being miserable. I could have been enjoying time with my husband when he was healthy. I could have appreciated the wonderful spouse God gave me instead of screaming at him for not giving me the children I wanted.
                Maybe we will have children someday. Maybe we won’t. With the medical bills we have from my husband for past and future treatments, I doubt we will ever be able to afford the more invasive treatments like IVF. But it doesn’t matter so much anymore. I guess it’s really all about perspective. And mine is forever altered by what could have been.

                To Lyndee herself - as we both returned to work this past week, I thought of you often.  Thank you again for allowing me to share your story.  And to anyone else who would be willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.

Aunt Flo has become fickle

                For the last two cycles my period has been late with no explanations and no pregnancy either time :/.  5 days late the first time, 3 days the second.  If you've been trying or tried to conceive for any amount of time, you can understand the kind of back and forth emotions that could come along with a late period.  It's like you're waiting to pick up a family member at the airport.  You do your preparations: verify their flight arrival time, clean out the passenger seat of your car (at least I know I would have to take that step...some of you may take better care of your vehicles), leave the house with plenty of time to make it to the airport, and make sure to have your cell phone ready so that they can call you when they arrive.  But then you arrive and you're stuck circling the airport because you haven't heard from them yet.  So you decide to park the car and go inside to check if their flight has been delayed.  No delay or cancellation notices, no phone calls - so what the heck is going on?!  That's what a late period when you're trying to conceive feels like...a frustrating, unexplained delay.  A cancellation notice would mean a positive pregnancy test so you'd be thrilled to get that as your answer.  But no cancellation notices here (trust me, I checked...and checked...and checked one more time just to make sure).  I guess my Aunt Flo just decided to roam around the airport doing some duty free shopping when her plane first landed without telling me.  And then she finally comes walking out.  She's later than I expected, but she arrives all the same.
                When Steve and I first got married, I breathed a sigh of relief every month when I would get my period.  (Come on ladies, don't act like you didn't do it too ;) - I've had plenty of friends who have expressed the same thoughts to me!)  But now, instead of being relieved that I'm a young newlywed whose birth control seems to be working well, I struggle with feelings of disappointment the day my not-so-dear Aunt Flo comes to visit.  And since she's decided to throw me for a loop with her fickle ways the last couple months, I'm even more annoyed with her than usual.

                Lord - Thank you that you have a plan for Steve and me.  Thank you that you know the paths that lie ahead and that you walk with me every step of the way.  Although at times I may become frustrated when a rock falls into my path, I will keep my eyes focused on you and the wonderful gifts you have for me in my life.  I hold steadfastly to your word that you work all things for my good and can't wait to see the future you have in store for our family.

"I see pregnant people..."

                Anyone else ever noticed the phenomenon where you start seeing the car you just purchased everywhere around you?  Never really took notice of it before, but once you start driving it you realize how many of them are actually on the road?  Well…pretty sure it’s like that with pregnant women or new moms when you’re trying to conceive!  I obviously can’t take notice of other women who are also trying to conceive (it’s not like we wear a sign around or anything), but boy does it seem like I will hone in on any pregnant woman or baby in a car seat within a 50 foot radius.  I was at a store on vacation last week and, while waiting in line to check out, I immediately noticed two pregnant women and one new mom (she had an adorable little girl sitting in the cart while she loaded the conveyor belt) among the people in my close proximity.  I think most women tend to notice cute babies around, but I don’t really remember taking extra notice of pregnant women until my husband and I started trying to conceive.  But now that I desire to have a rounded belly of my own (probably the only time in life people ever think "I wish I had a bigger belly"), it's all I can think about when I see a pregnant woman.  As if I didn't think about it enough already...

Oh, and yes, the title of this post is a reference to The Sixth Sense ;). 

7

                Back from another summer trip (this summer break thing is an EXCELLENT reason to become a teacher…just saying) in time to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary today.  I thank Steve for walking this path through life with me and holding my hand every step of the way.  We used to talk about waiting 5 years to have kids…I guess God decided we needed a little longer together with just the two of us.  While this continued journey to parenthood can get frustrating and discouraging at times, I am thankful that Steve is by my side and will remind myself to cherish the time that we are being given to enjoy the company of each other.  And when we are blessed with the babes that await us in our future, I know our lives will be enriched more than we could have ever hoped for.  Steve - I love you and I can't wait to see you as a daddy :).

Bring on the cake

                Well, this week marks my 27th birthday.  In case you were wondering, I plan on celebrating with some yummy desserts and various other foods that are normally off limits due to my dietary restrictions.  And now that I've drooled all over my keyboard just thinking about all that deliciousness, I guess it's time I move on to the real point of this post ;).  27...not a monumental age to turn by any means, but an age where I still find myself trying to become pregnant and hoping that this will be the year it happens.  When people would ask me during my early 20s when Steve and I were planning on having kids, I used to say that I wanted to start having kids when I was 25 and that I would be upset if I turned 26 without a baby in my arms or in my belly.  So when Steve told me he wanted to start trying to conceive just about a week after my 24th birthday, in my head (remember, I am a compulsive planner who plans out everything) I thought our timing would be perfect.  But then I turned 25...26...and now 27 still traveling the rocky road to parenthood.  One of the biggest lessons I've learned through this whole journey is that God needs me to let go of my plan sometimes.  I truly believe that He works all things for my good and I know that His timing will be flawless when He decides to bless us with a little one.  But still, I have to remind myself often as I continue down this journey that His plan is perfect because it's something I think most people tend to lose sight of in the midst of their struggles.  I pray that if you are reading this blog today, that you see God through your struggles...that you realize there is hope in the heartache (whatever that may be)...that you believe in His plan and His timing for your life...and that you seek Him for comfort and courage as you continue down your path.

Elizabeth's story

                Just to make sure we're on the same page here, I should probably start by saying that her name isn't really Elizabeth.  Elizabeth is the name I've chosen for this particular post because the real woman prefers to remain anonymous.  I figured if I had to come up with some false names when sharing stories that are given to me, I would chose some names from inspiring literary characters.  Names of inspirational characters for inspirational people who are willing to share their stories in hopes that they will help others...makes sense to me :).  So, today's story happens to be named after one of the greatest of all time - Elizabeth Bennet from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.  Thank you Elizabeth for sharing your story with me and anyone else who happens upon this blog!  I chose to share this story first because it came to me from someone I do not know personally and that served as a reminder to me of why I started this blog in the first place...to provide a connecting point with others who are traveling or have traveled a rocky road to parenthood.  We travel the road together and I am grateful that God has given us this space to share our experiences with each other.  Elizabeth wrote out her own story and I will be sharing it just as it was shared with me (with the exception of a few minor adjustments to ensure her anonymity as I promised). 

                I'll start my story with the birth of my niece in November of 2009, that was the first time I knew for sure I was ready to have a baby. My husband and I talked about it and began preparing by finding myself a better job with benefits and him taking a promotion at work. We thought that once we had our finances in order and the right state of mind all we had to do then was the baby dance and get pregnant. Well we officially started trying in November of 2010. When January rolled around and we still weren't pregnant that's when the fights would begin and the intimacy became forced and not very much fun. Well on February 4, 2011 I got that beautiful BFP! It was the day before I left on a week long vacation with my best friend to Florida. I was elated and surprised my husband with the positive test and a little note stating that we had done it! He came home that night from work and immediately called me, we were so excited. The next morning I headed to Florida with my BFF.

                When I returned a week later I found that my husband had been working on the house to prepare for baby and had already been online picking out furniture. To say we were happy was putting it mildly. The following day at work I told my boss b/c I had called the doctor and made my first appointment for 2 weeks later. Things went on just as usual all the while we held this big secret because we wanted to surprise the family since we always joked that we would never have a baby.

                The week before my first appointment I started to bleed, it was a Wednesday and it wasn't bright red and there was no pain so we weren't too freaked out yet. I called the Dr's office and they told me to take it easy and lay with my feet elevated and go to the ER if the bleeding got worse. Friday morning is when the horrible cramps came along with the bright red blood. We headed to the ER at 7:30, I was put back in a room fairly quickly then came all the tests including a vaginal ultrasound ( which is extremely painful.) When we were getting ready to leave at about noon the Dr told us there was still a developing fetus and my numbers were high but I should get them checked again on Monday. I never broke down and cried that day I was just numb, my husband however didn't fair as well.  That weekend just happened to be the weekend one of my hubby's family members was moving in with us to stay for a few weeks. His dad also stopped in to stay a few days. So we had this thing happening and couldn't tell anyone and we couldn't be alone, it was really hard. On Monday I went and had my blood drawn and waited for a phone call which came around 4:30. The nurse informed me that my numbers had dive bombed and it was considered an unviable pregnancy. I'll never forget my drive home, I had to get all my crying out before I made it home where the family was staying, it was so hard to only spend 30 minutes mourning and then having to act normal the rest of the night. I then went in for a follow up to make sure everything went back to normal a week later. Since I was only 6 weeks I didn't have to do a D&C or anything like that.

                We were told to wait two cycles before trying again. Two months go by and we start again thinking it only took 3 months the first time, this should be easy. That summer is when I started getting really in depth into what it took to get pregnant and started my research on fertility and how to increase it and timing of intercourse. Once February of 2012 rolled around and we still hadn't gotten pregnant I called my Dr to start getting tested. I had my progesterone and thyroid levels tested and they came back normal, then sent hubby in to get a semen analysis which came back normal. A few weeks later I went in for an HSG test, which I was terrified of but it went smoothly and showed no blockages. The Dr said its just unexplained infertility, which sucks. I told my husband that if nothing happens by March 2013, we will be headed to a fertility clinic in KC or STL to see about IVF or other options.

                I think through the whole ordeal the hardest parts have been not telling our family what is going on and seeing tons of girls get pregnant around us. There are literally 5 people that know we are trying and that is it, I just couldn't handle the constant questions and advice our parents and family would spring on us if they knew.

                To Elizabeth herself - thank you again for allowing me to share your story.  And to anyone else who would be willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.

A Niagara Falls of grateful tears

"I'm sure you've also had a time when things collapsed around you.  Describe the circumstances.  How did you feel?" - from Fingerprints of God by Jennifer Rothschild
                That is the question from my current bible study that had me on my couch in tears just a few days ago.  All I could think about was the day of my miscarriage...the physical pain, the emotional heartbreak, and the mental questioning of the entire situation.  But through those hard to bear thoughts and emotions that caused another Niagara Falls of tears, I also thought of the blessings I was given on that day - most importantly, of the people who made more of a difference than they probably realized.  God surrounded me with incredible colleagues, family members, and friends who made that experience easier to handle.  So today, I simply want to thank God for placing these people in my life and to thank the people themselves for everything they did for me.
                Thank you to an incredible colleague who didn't question me and covered my classes for the rest of the day when I left without warning after asking her to watch my students so I could take a quick restroom break...to my colleague's student teacher who stepped up and made it possible for her to cover for me...to my school nurse and secretaries for providing me with a safe space to contact my husband and my doctor before I left the school and for sending me out the door with no work burdens on my back as they made sure everything would be covered...to my boss who, even before he knew what was going on, didn't question why I had to leave work and told me to take whatever time off I needed...to my colleagues who were concerned for me when I left unexpectedly and reached out with support (not knowing what had happened yet) upon my return...to my parents whose medical resources quickly eased my physical pain in the comfort of my own home and who provided emotional support when I needed it the most...to my friends for being understanding when I ditched out on our dinner plans that evening without giving a reason...and, of course, to Steve for being there to hold my hand as we both grieved our loss. 
                As many of you who read this blog have been through a similar circumstance yourselves, I pray that you are also able to reflect on the good things that happened in the midst of despair.  While it doesn't change the heartbreak you feel over your loss, it does remind you of the blessings that surround us all every day we walk the face of this earth.  And for that, even through the tough times, I believe wholeheartedly that we should be grateful.