Bring on the cake

                Well, this week marks my 27th birthday.  In case you were wondering, I plan on celebrating with some yummy desserts and various other foods that are normally off limits due to my dietary restrictions.  And now that I've drooled all over my keyboard just thinking about all that deliciousness, I guess it's time I move on to the real point of this post ;).  27...not a monumental age to turn by any means, but an age where I still find myself trying to become pregnant and hoping that this will be the year it happens.  When people would ask me during my early 20s when Steve and I were planning on having kids, I used to say that I wanted to start having kids when I was 25 and that I would be upset if I turned 26 without a baby in my arms or in my belly.  So when Steve told me he wanted to start trying to conceive just about a week after my 24th birthday, in my head (remember, I am a compulsive planner who plans out everything) I thought our timing would be perfect.  But then I turned 25...26...and now 27 still traveling the rocky road to parenthood.  One of the biggest lessons I've learned through this whole journey is that God needs me to let go of my plan sometimes.  I truly believe that He works all things for my good and I know that His timing will be flawless when He decides to bless us with a little one.  But still, I have to remind myself often as I continue down this journey that His plan is perfect because it's something I think most people tend to lose sight of in the midst of their struggles.  I pray that if you are reading this blog today, that you see God through your struggles...that you realize there is hope in the heartache (whatever that may be)...that you believe in His plan and His timing for your life...and that you seek Him for comfort and courage as you continue down your path.

Elizabeth's story

                Just to make sure we're on the same page here, I should probably start by saying that her name isn't really Elizabeth.  Elizabeth is the name I've chosen for this particular post because the real woman prefers to remain anonymous.  I figured if I had to come up with some false names when sharing stories that are given to me, I would chose some names from inspiring literary characters.  Names of inspirational characters for inspirational people who are willing to share their stories in hopes that they will help others...makes sense to me :).  So, today's story happens to be named after one of the greatest of all time - Elizabeth Bennet from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.  Thank you Elizabeth for sharing your story with me and anyone else who happens upon this blog!  I chose to share this story first because it came to me from someone I do not know personally and that served as a reminder to me of why I started this blog in the first place...to provide a connecting point with others who are traveling or have traveled a rocky road to parenthood.  We travel the road together and I am grateful that God has given us this space to share our experiences with each other.  Elizabeth wrote out her own story and I will be sharing it just as it was shared with me (with the exception of a few minor adjustments to ensure her anonymity as I promised). 

                I'll start my story with the birth of my niece in November of 2009, that was the first time I knew for sure I was ready to have a baby. My husband and I talked about it and began preparing by finding myself a better job with benefits and him taking a promotion at work. We thought that once we had our finances in order and the right state of mind all we had to do then was the baby dance and get pregnant. Well we officially started trying in November of 2010. When January rolled around and we still weren't pregnant that's when the fights would begin and the intimacy became forced and not very much fun. Well on February 4, 2011 I got that beautiful BFP! It was the day before I left on a week long vacation with my best friend to Florida. I was elated and surprised my husband with the positive test and a little note stating that we had done it! He came home that night from work and immediately called me, we were so excited. The next morning I headed to Florida with my BFF.

                When I returned a week later I found that my husband had been working on the house to prepare for baby and had already been online picking out furniture. To say we were happy was putting it mildly. The following day at work I told my boss b/c I had called the doctor and made my first appointment for 2 weeks later. Things went on just as usual all the while we held this big secret because we wanted to surprise the family since we always joked that we would never have a baby.

                The week before my first appointment I started to bleed, it was a Wednesday and it wasn't bright red and there was no pain so we weren't too freaked out yet. I called the Dr's office and they told me to take it easy and lay with my feet elevated and go to the ER if the bleeding got worse. Friday morning is when the horrible cramps came along with the bright red blood. We headed to the ER at 7:30, I was put back in a room fairly quickly then came all the tests including a vaginal ultrasound ( which is extremely painful.) When we were getting ready to leave at about noon the Dr told us there was still a developing fetus and my numbers were high but I should get them checked again on Monday. I never broke down and cried that day I was just numb, my husband however didn't fair as well.  That weekend just happened to be the weekend one of my hubby's family members was moving in with us to stay for a few weeks. His dad also stopped in to stay a few days. So we had this thing happening and couldn't tell anyone and we couldn't be alone, it was really hard. On Monday I went and had my blood drawn and waited for a phone call which came around 4:30. The nurse informed me that my numbers had dive bombed and it was considered an unviable pregnancy. I'll never forget my drive home, I had to get all my crying out before I made it home where the family was staying, it was so hard to only spend 30 minutes mourning and then having to act normal the rest of the night. I then went in for a follow up to make sure everything went back to normal a week later. Since I was only 6 weeks I didn't have to do a D&C or anything like that.

                We were told to wait two cycles before trying again. Two months go by and we start again thinking it only took 3 months the first time, this should be easy. That summer is when I started getting really in depth into what it took to get pregnant and started my research on fertility and how to increase it and timing of intercourse. Once February of 2012 rolled around and we still hadn't gotten pregnant I called my Dr to start getting tested. I had my progesterone and thyroid levels tested and they came back normal, then sent hubby in to get a semen analysis which came back normal. A few weeks later I went in for an HSG test, which I was terrified of but it went smoothly and showed no blockages. The Dr said its just unexplained infertility, which sucks. I told my husband that if nothing happens by March 2013, we will be headed to a fertility clinic in KC or STL to see about IVF or other options.

                I think through the whole ordeal the hardest parts have been not telling our family what is going on and seeing tons of girls get pregnant around us. There are literally 5 people that know we are trying and that is it, I just couldn't handle the constant questions and advice our parents and family would spring on us if they knew.

                To Elizabeth herself - thank you again for allowing me to share your story.  And to anyone else who would be willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.

A Niagara Falls of grateful tears

"I'm sure you've also had a time when things collapsed around you.  Describe the circumstances.  How did you feel?" - from Fingerprints of God by Jennifer Rothschild
                That is the question from my current bible study that had me on my couch in tears just a few days ago.  All I could think about was the day of my miscarriage...the physical pain, the emotional heartbreak, and the mental questioning of the entire situation.  But through those hard to bear thoughts and emotions that caused another Niagara Falls of tears, I also thought of the blessings I was given on that day - most importantly, of the people who made more of a difference than they probably realized.  God surrounded me with incredible colleagues, family members, and friends who made that experience easier to handle.  So today, I simply want to thank God for placing these people in my life and to thank the people themselves for everything they did for me.
                Thank you to an incredible colleague who didn't question me and covered my classes for the rest of the day when I left without warning after asking her to watch my students so I could take a quick restroom break...to my colleague's student teacher who stepped up and made it possible for her to cover for me...to my school nurse and secretaries for providing me with a safe space to contact my husband and my doctor before I left the school and for sending me out the door with no work burdens on my back as they made sure everything would be covered...to my boss who, even before he knew what was going on, didn't question why I had to leave work and told me to take whatever time off I needed...to my colleagues who were concerned for me when I left unexpectedly and reached out with support (not knowing what had happened yet) upon my return...to my parents whose medical resources quickly eased my physical pain in the comfort of my own home and who provided emotional support when I needed it the most...to my friends for being understanding when I ditched out on our dinner plans that evening without giving a reason...and, of course, to Steve for being there to hold my hand as we both grieved our loss. 
                As many of you who read this blog have been through a similar circumstance yourselves, I pray that you are also able to reflect on the good things that happened in the midst of despair.  While it doesn't change the heartbreak you feel over your loss, it does remind you of the blessings that surround us all every day we walk the face of this earth.  And for that, even through the tough times, I believe wholeheartedly that we should be grateful.

A desire that follows me around the world

                Well, I'm back from a vacation to the Riviera Maya with my husband feeling refreshed and renewed :).  Oh, and still wanting to be a mom just as much as ever.  No matter where we are in the world or what we're doing, it still seems that thoughts of a baby pop up constantly.  When I ate something I knew I wasn't supposed to (hey, it was a vacation after all), felt a cramp in my stomach, saw a cute kid walk by...etc, etc...I was once again reminded of our continued journey to become parents.  And having Steve 24 hours a day for 6 days with no other distractions even enhanced those thoughts because it gave us the chance to reflect on what's been going on more.  As much as I sometimes wish I could just take a mental detour from this road I'm traveling, I don't think it would be possible to take a break from something your heart desires so much.  It's a desire that permeates everything I do.  And if my desire is that great, I realize that when my prayers are answered it will probably result in unspeakable joy that I can't even fathom right now.  So my prayer today is for all of you who are also trying to become mommies and daddies - that you would experience unspeakable joy sooner rather than later :).

Will you share your story?

                Calling all ladies (and gentlemen if you would like to share) who have struggled with or are currently struggling with infertility or miscarriage: would you be willing to share your story?  When I initially started this blog, I wrote that part of my desire was to be able to share the stories of other amazing women who have struggled on the road to motherhood as well.  If you are willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.  I would love for you to type your story up in your own words (it is your story, after all...who could tell it better?) or I would be happy to give you some questions if it would be easier for you to share in a Q&A format.  I think it's important for us to share our stories - it helps us cope and heal as we travel forward along our paths in life.  A friend of mine (who has inspired comments several times here on the blog already...she's just kind of that amazing!) sent me the following picture from her daily inspirational calendar yesterday:

"Friends are an important part of sharing the burden and worry of each day"...I hope that by you sharing your story with me and anyone else who reads this blog, we can create a community of friends to share the burden together :). 

Ovary for 63 points

                This is definitely not a serious post on a serious matter, but I couldn't resist sharing it :P.  Check out the picture of one of my most recent Words With Friends moves against my uncle.  Yes, I played ovary...and I got 63 points for it!  Not even close to my highest point word ever (that title belongs to jeez for over 126 points because of a TL, TW, and the j also playing on another word), but I found this whole move funny considering it took me only a couple seconds to realize I had the letters to spell ovary.  Maybe it's because my mind is constantly thinking about babies, ovaries, etc.  And while that can be overwhelming, I guess it worked out in my favor this time.  So watch out, Uncle J - my ovaries and I are going to take you down this game ;).

Oh, how He loves us :)

                I've recently started a new bible study with some work friends (and some new friends I'm excited to get to know) - Jennifer Rothschild's Fingerprints of God.  Though only a few days in, the study is already providing me once again with affirmation of a valuable lesson I think everyone needs to be reminded of sometimes: no matter the discouragement I face along life's journey, God sees, loves, and values me... He knows my circumstances and walks with me...He desires for me to come to Him for comfort in troubling times because He honors and values me.  Throughout this journey of infertility and miscarriage thus far, I sometimes find myself forgetting to turn to God when I should be relying on Him the most.  I should be heartily praying to be blessed with a child, but instead I've found myself at times forgetting to pray at all.  I feel like I've got my rain boots on and I'm trudging through the mud by myself, often forgetting that God desires to carry me until we reach the drier land on the other side of this storm.  While I continue "doing my part toward my miracle," I also need to remember to always seek God throughout my journey.  I need to remember that He loves me and walks alongside me during each hope and each heartbreak.  If you are reading this, I pray that you too realize that God sees, loves, and values YOU...He knows your circumstances and walks with YOU...He desires for you to come to Him for comfort in troubling times because He honors and values YOU.  Whether yours is a journey along a rough road to motherhood like mine or a journey along a completely different path, I pray that you always remember the truth of God's love for YOU and take comfort in His presence as you weather the bumps ahead.