Random thoughts from this past week...

Thought #1: Don't forget that good friends are a gift through the struggles of life.

                I recently had dinner with a friend that led into a conversation I wasn't expecting (I'll call her X to make this retelling easier).  X shared with me her total frustration about another dinner we were at a few weeks prior with a group of people and wanted to apologize to me for comments made by the others.  I can assure you that X did not make any comments at our group dinner that she needed to apologize for, but she felt like the others who dined with us on that particular occasion were being insensitive about my fertility situation...and to be honest, so did I but often times it's hard to say something.  I know people mean well, but sometimes they just don't realize that what they are saying is hurtful or, at the very least, not at all helpful.  And that goes for people struggling with fertility or any other issue out there.  But X's kind thoughts when we got together again (just the two of us) was a wonderful reminder of the blessing of friends.  No one is perfect and everyone is going to do something that hurts someone else's feelings sometime, but if you surround yourself with good people you will always have someone there to help pick you up when you are down.  So don't ever forget that your friends are a gift...and always try to return that gift to them :).

Thought #2: Students sure can make you feel awkward sometimes.

                I can't tell you how many times in the last few years students of mine have asked if I have any kids yet.  Innocent enough question, but when I say no it has led down two different paths: 1. they quit talking about it because their curiosity has been fulfilled OR 2. they begin to tell me why they think I should have kids.  In light of my journey thus far, I probably don't need to elaborate on how awkward I feel standing there listening to a 10 year old who chooses to go down path #2...

Au naturel

                I've talked a bit on here about acupuncture and its benefits for women and men who struggle with infertility issues.  I've also shared about the dietary guidelines I follow.  Today I want to talk about a couple of the other natural medical approaches I've tried in conjunction with these two things.  I know it is every person's choice what they feel comfortable trying and not trying when they are traveling down the road of becoming mommy or daddy.  While I have done some of the basics of what modern medicine suggests, I have preferred to explore pretty much all the avenues of natural medicine that I can before looking into some of the more invasive fertility treatments that modern medicine has to offer.  As the child of someone who emphasizes natural medical paths in her own practice (remember Julie Penick, DNP, PhD, ThD, FNP, MSN...and my mom?), I have learned so much about what the human body is able to do on its own if we do the things we need to do naturally to support it in the right way.  For me personally, I have explored natural treatments as much as I can so that I could give my body every opportunity to work as it was intended to work in the first place.  So, here are a couple other natural treatments I have explored:

1. Enzyme therapy...prescribed by that crazy lady that I call my mother :).  While we have changed the different enzymes that I have taken over the years based on new research and methods my mom learns about, I have always been taking something to help support my body.  Currently I swallow 41 pills/tablets/capsules a day between what my mom has me taking and the Chinese herb my acupuncturist has me taking.  I get a good half of my water intake for the day just when I'm taking my enzymes alone!  While it may seem like a lot, each of those supplements (those 41 capsules are from 11 different supplements) has a purpose and it's worth the few minutes it takes each day to swallow them down. 

2. Chiropractic work.  About 6 months ago, I went to see a chiropractor who specializes in helping people with non-typical issues.  He noticed my alignment was way off and that it was causing a lot of pressure in the area of my reproductive organs.  He did some adjusting a few times and my body finally seemed to be holding the adjustments so, as far as I know, my alignment is still good and the pressure has been relieved.

Lacey's story

                While I have thus far been spreading out the posting of stories shared with me by others, this time you're getting two stories of incredible women who I know and love back to back.  Last week I had the honor of sharing Laura's story and today I have the honor of sharing Lacey's story.  Lacey suffered the loss of her first pregnancy two years ago today and I received her story ready to share because she felt a strong urge to share it now as she reflected on what happened two years ago.  I believe if she feels a strong urge to share her story today that means someone out there needs to read it today.  So no waiting on this one - another beautiful story of strength and courage through loss from another amazing woman.  Lacey - thank you for following your heart and sharing your story so that others may be helped by your words.

                After 5 years of marriage, Joe and I felt we were ready to start a family. We started out in early 2010 with me stopping birth control pills and "trying". We were thrilled when, within only a few months, we were pregnant! I was beyond excited. I didn't want to tell a lot of people early on, but I shared the news with close friends and family by about the sixth week. I saw a midwife for the first time at eight weeks, had blood work done, peed in a cup, etc. Everything seemed to be progressing normally.

                I went back at twelve weeks for a regular appointment and the midwife listened for the heartbeat with a doppler. Joe was with me and we listened nervously, anxious to hear our baby's thumping little heart for the first time. (I remember early that morning having had some pretty uncomfortable cramping, but passed it off as those early pregnancy pains that I'd read one might experience.) We listened and listened, moving the doppler here and there. After several long, anxious moments, the midwife said she'd like to send us over to the ultrasound tech to get a good listen and look. For a few seconds, we were really excited - an unplanned view at our tiny baby! Then, it set in that things might not be okay. My emotions were all over the place!

                Our lives changed instantly when, in only a few seconds, the tech said, "I'm sorry guys. There is no heartbeat." There are not words to describe the immediate overwhelming grief I felt. Simply no words. It was a feeling deep in my soul of utter sadness. Joe held my hand and we cried. There was nothing else to do but to cry and pray.

                After a few minutes, we went back in to see the midwife and she explained our options. We could go home and wait for the miscarriage to complete itself. I had visions of sitting around for days or weeks waiting for nature to take its course. I wasn't sure I could carry on that way. The other option was to take some medicine to help my body along. We went with this option as it seemed like the "easiest" route to get through this.

                It was far from easy. The following 24 hours were the most painful, emotional, heart-wrenching moments of the entire experience. By late that night heavy cramping and bleeding began. It was a pain I imagined was equivalent to labor. Horrific, excruciating pain. Joe stayed by my side, holding my hand and being my nurse. We made it through a long, unpleasant night together.

                The days following were spent at home, talking to my mom, sister, and girlfriends on the phone. I was feeling like my life would never be happy again. I was pretty sure that I would never recover from the experience.

                That was October 4, 2010. Today is two-years since we lost our first baby. While I'm still deeply sad that we never met him or her, I am comforted by the fact that I can hold and snuggle our sweet, incredible nine-month-old daughter Mallory. It took my body six months to return to normal and several more months for us to get pregnant with her. My pregnancy was filled with the worry that miscarriage could happen again. It took me until about the middle of my pregnancy to feel that it was really going to "stick" this time. Holding Mallory for the first made that horrific day a more distant memory. As I rocked her to sleep last night, I whispered to her, "You are the reason God brought us through that awful day two years ago. He knew we needed YOU."

                For those who have experienced a miscarriage or have difficulty becoming parents, it is no consolation to hear that it will happen for them eventually. But, I know one thing for sure. There is purpose behind the journey we take. Though that purpose may not be clear yet, there will come a time when clarity sets in. Keep the faith.

                If anyone else would be willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.

Laura's story

                Today it is my honor to share my beautiful friend Laura's story.  She was one of the first people I shared my miscarriage news with and she has bravely agreed to share the details of the tough miscarriage she had a couple years ago with all of you.  Laura - I love you...thank you for your total transparency as you shared your story with me in your hopes that it would help another woman out there who might have in the past or will in the future go through a similar experience.

            St Patrick's Day 2010: I was too excited to wait one more day to find out on my anniversary. I wanted to surprise my husband, but after I peed on the stick, I just couldn't wait to tell him so I emailed him a picture of the result. That plus sign sure made me smile and once he got the picture, he was stoked as well. Our first daughter was a year and a half and we'd been trying to get pregnant with our second for about 5 months now. It was so easy the first time, we expected it to be easy this time. So when month after month I got my period, disappointment would start all over again. But now I had a reason to go see my OB again. Yay!
            That next week I was able to get an appointment and had my first ultrasound. We saw the tiny baby but there was no heartbeat. My doctor said it was probably too early in the pregnancy to see it so I had some blood drawn, answered some questions and scheduled my next month's appointment. Later that week I got a phone call that my hormone levels didn't seem right so they wanted me to come back in for some more blood work. At this point, I was a little nervous, but didn't really think much about it. So I went back, became their pin cushion (because I'm a hard stick), left, and awaited the phone call. Numbers still did not come back what they should have been so they asked me to come back. I was freaking out about this time, but I was trying hard not to show it. When I went back to the office, my doctor could tell I wasn't myself so he asked me if I wanted another ultrasound. I smiled and agreed. The baby was still there. I was relieved.
            My numbers still weren't what they should have been. I went back to the office a couple more times. I ended up having another ultrasound, and this time it was not pleasant. The heartless technician told me that she could see bleeding. She acted as if I had known all along. My doctor came in and explained I was having a miscarriage. He said other things, but honestly, I shut down. My body was present in the conversation, but my mind was completely elsewhere. That day I started spotting. I spotted all week. I didn't think it was horrible, and I wasn't even cramping. It just seemed like a light period really. I was sad, but I just hoped that somehow my body would heal my baby and everything was going to be fine. I had an appointment to see my doctor for more blood work and hoped that I would get one more ultrasound and it would be some miracle.
            Saturday, April 24th. I am house sitting for my mom who is on her way to another state and my husband is on a men's retreat two hours away. I'm cranky because I had still been spotting and my hope was diminishing. I had been up on my feet taking care of the dogs and keeping busy. I realized I needed to go to the bathroom. Wow! I soaked through that pad. About 20 minutes passed and I soaked through another one. What was going on? The flood gates opened, that's what was going on. Yes, I was having my miscarriage. I ended up spending that whole afternoon in my mom's bathroom. I was bleeding so much I could not get off the toilet. I was getting weak. I ended up climbing into the tub and turning on the shower. I felt disgusting, all hope was out the window. I had locked the door. I was too weak to get up. My dad had come over and I told him to go away, that I was fine. What a lie. I didn't want to be alone. A while later my sister arrived. She somehow figures out how to open the door and comes in. I'm sitting in the tub, naked, curtain drawn. She brought me a coke to try to help put some sugar in my system because I had lost a lot of blood. She stayed with me and comforted me as best she could. She called my doctor and he called in a prescription of some sort. I probably should have gone to the hospital, but I didn't want to leave. My husband ended up leaving the retreat to come be with me. I was still in the bathroom when he got there. As I sat on the toilet, he sat across from me while I laid my tired head on his shoulder. I was thankful he was there. I felt so alone and lost, even though he was right there with me. That day was the hardest, most emotional day of my life.
            About 9 months later we found out I was pregnant again. You can imagine how thrilled I was, but still I had doubts that everything was okay. Thanks to Jesus, everything was okay this time and we now have two beautiful, healthy daughters.
            So, now you've heard my story. I haven't ever written it down and so many of the feelings of losing my second child returned. I realize how much I isolated myself and felt so alone during that time. I had all the support a person could ever need and I chose to push it away rather than embrace it. For months I mourned the loss and fell into a state of depression. I needed Jesus most of all during that time and I was mad at him most of all. Why would he let me go through that? Why does he let anyone go through that? My heart goes out to all the women and families who deal with infertility and miscarriage. Please know that I am praying for you. Thanks for reading.

                If anyone else would be willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.

Your fertility does not affect your likeability ;)

                A message to all fertile myrtles of the world: I might be jealous of the ease of your journeys, but I still like you!  I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who you would definitely consider a fertile myrtle.  She shared with me that she enjoys following my blog but that she feels a bit guilty when she reads it because she had an easier road to motherhood.  (A little background about her: she has had the opposite of a struggle to get pregnant and actually got pregnant twice while on birth control.  While I may be jealous of the ease it took her to get to her beautiful little babies, I also know that it was difficult to get pregnant both times when she was not planning or preparing for it.)  So I want all you ladies out there that may be in the same fertile boat as my friend to know that, despite my struggles over the last 3 years, your success in conceiving and having a baby doesn't make me like you any less.  Some of my nearest and dearest supporters through this whole journey also happen to be some of the most fertile people I know.  The struggles of my fertility journey thus far have reminded me that you never know what people may be going through.  While I do admit jealously and reference it as a clever title for my blog, I know that even you fertile myrtles out there are struggling with issues of your own in some area of life or another.  It's not possible to face the hardships of this world alone and I thank God for surrounding me with friends (fertile and non-fertile alike) that I am blessed to fight through the mud with every day :).

Can you grieve a process?

                Turns out the answer is yes.  As I was voicing my frustration to a friend a few months ago, she shared some wise thoughts (as she often does...seriously, I should start paying her!) about grieving the process of what I thought having kids would be like.  We were talking about me not yet knowing how I felt about all the different avenues to becoming a parent that might be in the future for me and Steve...continued natural interventions and fertility drugs, seeing a fertility specialist for more invasive treatments, looking into adoption...  I think every prospective parent needs to decide for themselves what they are comfortable with at that time along their journey to becoming parents, and I was really torn as to where my heart was headed as a "next step" in our journey.  Then, in her seemingly infinite wisdom, my friend told me I probably needed to allow myself time to grieve the process of what I thought becoming a parent would be like before I was able to move on to a different step. 
                Grieve the process?  I know I grieved the loss of my first pregnancy, but I had never thought of dealing with the rocky road I've traveled on my way to motherhood as grieving.  But it is a form of grieving...it's mourning the easy path I thought I would be able to take to motherhood and realizing that God had a different plan for my life.  Let's be honest, when most of us are ready to become parents we think we can plan the time it's going to happen and that all those fertility issues won't happen to us.  Well, when they do happen it is a devastating loss.  A loss that at times leaves you feeling inadequate...a loss that constantly has you wondering "why me?"  So you have to grieve the loss of that process you thought you'd be able to follow to becoming a mommy or a daddy.  You have to let go of "the way things should have been" and accept what they are so that you can make the best decisions possible for your future family.  Thank you, my incredible friend, for helping me process through this journey by listening and giving me such great wisdom over and over again.
                If you think about it, please say a few prayers for this dear friend of mine because she is facing her own grieving right now.  She and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for approximately a year and she struggles with known health problems in her reproductive region.  Recently, when she went to a fertility doctor, she was given the harsh reality that she does not have all the options that most women trying to become mothers might have due to her existing health conditions.  So she either has to "go big or go home" a lot sooner than she imagined it might be...a frustration as she grieves the intermediate steps she thought she might be able to take on her path to motherhood.       

Hope is a treasure...

                As I was pulling my checkbook out of my wallet the other day, I found this fortune cookie "fortune" I had saved.  Hope is the most precious treasure to a person.  I obviously thought it was an important reminder or else I wouldn't have kept it.  No matter what trials you may be facing, remember that keeping hope in your mind is always a precious gift.  Despite my much longer than anticipated journey to motherhood so far, I have never lost hope.  Sure, I may have found myself confused and frustrated at times, but that doesn't mean I've lost hope.  I have hope in God's plan for my future...I have hope that His plan will be far better than I could have ever imagined for myself...I have hope that, when Steve and I are blessed to become parents, the experience will be everything I dreamed it would be and more.  I know that becoming a parent will be messy and crazy at times, but God gives me hope in a future filled with joy and love.  And it is this hope that has kept me going through the years.  I couldn't imagine a life without hope...and I pray that no matter what your circumstance is, you always find a way to hope in what lies ahead.

                And, just in case you're curious, the worst "fortune" I ever got from a cookie was foot: a device for finding furniture in the dark.  I did not save that one and yet I will probably never be able to get that wisdom out of my mind ;).