St
Patrick's Day 2010: I was too excited to wait one more day to find out on my
anniversary. I wanted to surprise my husband, but after I peed on the stick, I
just couldn't wait to tell him so I emailed him a picture of the result. That
plus sign sure made me smile and once he got the picture, he was stoked as
well. Our first daughter was a year and a half and we'd been trying to get
pregnant with our second for about 5 months now. It was so easy the first time,
we expected it to be easy this time. So when month after month I got my period,
disappointment would start all over again. But now I had a reason to go see my
OB again. Yay!
That next week I was able to get an appointment and had my first ultrasound. We saw the tiny baby but there was no heartbeat. My doctor said it was probably too early in the pregnancy to see it so I had some blood drawn, answered some questions and scheduled my next month's appointment. Later that week I got a phone call that my hormone levels didn't seem right so they wanted me to come back in for some more blood work. At this point, I was a little nervous, but didn't really think much about it. So I went back, became their pin cushion (because I'm a hard stick), left, and awaited the phone call. Numbers still did not come back what they should have been so they asked me to come back. I was freaking out about this time, but I was trying hard not to show it. When I went back to the office, my doctor could tell I wasn't myself so he asked me if I wanted another ultrasound. I smiled and agreed. The baby was still there. I was relieved.
My numbers still weren't what they should have been. I went back to the office a couple more times. I ended up having another ultrasound, and this time it was not pleasant. The heartless technician told me that she could see bleeding. She acted as if I had known all along. My doctor came in and explained I was having a miscarriage. He said other things, but honestly, I shut down. My body was present in the conversation, but my mind was completely elsewhere. That day I started spotting. I spotted all week. I didn't think it was horrible, and I wasn't even cramping. It just seemed like a light period really. I was sad, but I just hoped that somehow my body would heal my baby and everything was going to be fine. I had an appointment to see my doctor for more blood work and hoped that I would get one more ultrasound and it would be some miracle.
Saturday, April 24th. I am house sitting for my mom who is on her way to another state and my husband is on a men's retreat two hours away. I'm cranky because I had still been spotting and my hope was diminishing. I had been up on my feet taking care of the dogs and keeping busy. I realized I needed to go to the bathroom. Wow! I soaked through that pad. About 20 minutes passed and I soaked through another one. What was going on? The flood gates opened, that's what was going on. Yes, I was having my miscarriage. I ended up spending that whole afternoon in my mom's bathroom. I was bleeding so much I could not get off the toilet. I was getting weak. I ended up climbing into the tub and turning on the shower. I felt disgusting, all hope was out the window. I had locked the door. I was too weak to get up. My dad had come over and I told him to go away, that I was fine. What a lie. I didn't want to be alone. A while later my sister arrived. She somehow figures out how to open the door and comes in. I'm sitting in the tub, naked, curtain drawn. She brought me a coke to try to help put some sugar in my system because I had lost a lot of blood. She stayed with me and comforted me as best she could. She called my doctor and he called in a prescription of some sort. I probably should have gone to the hospital, but I didn't want to leave. My husband ended up leaving the retreat to come be with me. I was still in the bathroom when he got there. As I sat on the toilet, he sat across from me while I laid my tired head on his shoulder. I was thankful he was there. I felt so alone and lost, even though he was right there with me. That day was the hardest, most emotional day of my life.
About 9 months later we found out I was pregnant again. You can imagine how thrilled I was, but still I had doubts that everything was okay. Thanks to Jesus, everything was okay this time and we now have two beautiful, healthy daughters.
So, now you've heard my story. I haven't ever written it down and so many of the feelings of losing my second child returned. I realize how much I isolated myself and felt so alone during that time. I had all the support a person could ever need and I chose to push it away rather than embrace it. For months I mourned the loss and fell into a state of depression. I needed Jesus most of all during that time and I was mad at him most of all. Why would he let me go through that? Why does he let anyone go through that? My heart goes out to all the women and families who deal with infertility and miscarriage. Please know that I am praying for you. Thanks for reading.
If
anyone else would be willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.
That next week I was able to get an appointment and had my first ultrasound. We saw the tiny baby but there was no heartbeat. My doctor said it was probably too early in the pregnancy to see it so I had some blood drawn, answered some questions and scheduled my next month's appointment. Later that week I got a phone call that my hormone levels didn't seem right so they wanted me to come back in for some more blood work. At this point, I was a little nervous, but didn't really think much about it. So I went back, became their pin cushion (because I'm a hard stick), left, and awaited the phone call. Numbers still did not come back what they should have been so they asked me to come back. I was freaking out about this time, but I was trying hard not to show it. When I went back to the office, my doctor could tell I wasn't myself so he asked me if I wanted another ultrasound. I smiled and agreed. The baby was still there. I was relieved.
My numbers still weren't what they should have been. I went back to the office a couple more times. I ended up having another ultrasound, and this time it was not pleasant. The heartless technician told me that she could see bleeding. She acted as if I had known all along. My doctor came in and explained I was having a miscarriage. He said other things, but honestly, I shut down. My body was present in the conversation, but my mind was completely elsewhere. That day I started spotting. I spotted all week. I didn't think it was horrible, and I wasn't even cramping. It just seemed like a light period really. I was sad, but I just hoped that somehow my body would heal my baby and everything was going to be fine. I had an appointment to see my doctor for more blood work and hoped that I would get one more ultrasound and it would be some miracle.
Saturday, April 24th. I am house sitting for my mom who is on her way to another state and my husband is on a men's retreat two hours away. I'm cranky because I had still been spotting and my hope was diminishing. I had been up on my feet taking care of the dogs and keeping busy. I realized I needed to go to the bathroom. Wow! I soaked through that pad. About 20 minutes passed and I soaked through another one. What was going on? The flood gates opened, that's what was going on. Yes, I was having my miscarriage. I ended up spending that whole afternoon in my mom's bathroom. I was bleeding so much I could not get off the toilet. I was getting weak. I ended up climbing into the tub and turning on the shower. I felt disgusting, all hope was out the window. I had locked the door. I was too weak to get up. My dad had come over and I told him to go away, that I was fine. What a lie. I didn't want to be alone. A while later my sister arrived. She somehow figures out how to open the door and comes in. I'm sitting in the tub, naked, curtain drawn. She brought me a coke to try to help put some sugar in my system because I had lost a lot of blood. She stayed with me and comforted me as best she could. She called my doctor and he called in a prescription of some sort. I probably should have gone to the hospital, but I didn't want to leave. My husband ended up leaving the retreat to come be with me. I was still in the bathroom when he got there. As I sat on the toilet, he sat across from me while I laid my tired head on his shoulder. I was thankful he was there. I felt so alone and lost, even though he was right there with me. That day was the hardest, most emotional day of my life.
About 9 months later we found out I was pregnant again. You can imagine how thrilled I was, but still I had doubts that everything was okay. Thanks to Jesus, everything was okay this time and we now have two beautiful, healthy daughters.
So, now you've heard my story. I haven't ever written it down and so many of the feelings of losing my second child returned. I realize how much I isolated myself and felt so alone during that time. I had all the support a person could ever need and I chose to push it away rather than embrace it. For months I mourned the loss and fell into a state of depression. I needed Jesus most of all during that time and I was mad at him most of all. Why would he let me go through that? Why does he let anyone go through that? My heart goes out to all the women and families who deal with infertility and miscarriage. Please know that I am praying for you. Thanks for reading.
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