After 5 years of marriage, Joe
and I felt we were ready to start a family. We started out in early 2010 with
me stopping birth control pills and "trying". We were thrilled when,
within only a few months, we were pregnant! I was beyond excited. I didn't want
to tell a lot of people early on, but I shared the news with close friends and
family by about the sixth week. I saw a midwife for the first time at eight
weeks, had blood work done, peed in a cup, etc. Everything seemed to be
progressing normally.
I went back at twelve weeks for
a regular appointment and the midwife listened for the heartbeat with a
doppler. Joe was with me and we listened nervously, anxious to hear our baby's
thumping little heart for the first time. (I remember early that morning having
had some pretty uncomfortable cramping, but passed it off as those early
pregnancy pains that I'd read one might experience.) We listened and listened,
moving the doppler here and there. After several long, anxious moments, the
midwife said she'd like to send us over to the ultrasound tech to get a good
listen and look. For a few seconds, we were really excited - an unplanned view
at our tiny baby! Then, it set in that things might not be okay. My emotions
were all over the place!Our lives changed instantly when, in only a few seconds, the tech said, "I'm sorry guys. There is no heartbeat." There are not words to describe the immediate overwhelming grief I felt. Simply no words. It was a feeling deep in my soul of utter sadness. Joe held my hand and we cried. There was nothing else to do but to cry and pray.
After a few minutes, we went
back in to see the midwife and she explained our options. We could go home and
wait for the miscarriage to complete itself. I had visions of sitting around
for days or weeks waiting for nature to take its course. I wasn't sure I could
carry on that way. The other option was to take some medicine to help my body
along. We went with this option as it seemed like the "easiest" route
to get through this.
It was far from easy. The
following 24 hours were the most painful, emotional, heart-wrenching moments of
the entire experience. By late that night heavy cramping and bleeding began. It
was a pain I imagined was equivalent to labor. Horrific, excruciating pain. Joe
stayed by my side, holding my hand and being my nurse. We made it through a
long, unpleasant night together.
The days following were spent at
home, talking to my mom, sister, and girlfriends on the phone. I was feeling
like my life would never be happy again. I was pretty sure that I would never
recover from the experience.
That was October 4, 2010. Today
is two-years since we lost our first baby. While I'm still deeply sad that we
never met him or her, I am comforted by the fact that I can hold and snuggle
our sweet, incredible nine-month-old daughter Mallory. It took my body six months
to return to normal and several more months for us to get pregnant with her. My
pregnancy was filled with the worry that miscarriage could happen again. It
took me until about the middle of my pregnancy to feel that it was really going
to "stick" this time. Holding Mallory for the first made that
horrific day a more distant memory. As I rocked her to sleep last night, I
whispered to her, "You are the reason God brought us through that awful
day two years ago. He knew we needed YOU."
For those who have experienced a
miscarriage or have difficulty becoming parents, it is no consolation to hear
that it will happen for them eventually. But, I know one thing for sure. There
is purpose behind the journey we take. Though that purpose may not be clear
yet, there will come a time when clarity sets in. Keep the faith.
If
anyone else would be willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.
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