My husband and I have always known we wanted to have kids. In fact, it was a necessity when we were looking for each other. We both used it as a screening for potential future spouses.
For me, the desire to be a mom started in my childhood. I was 8 when my youngest brother was born and my mom suffered from serious postpartum depression. As a result, I became a second mom to my little brother. I remember feeding, dressing, bathing, and playing with him. I also changed his diapers and helped in any other way I could. I loved it. As a teenager, I baby-sat kids. One little boy, I would watch for 12 hours sometimes because his parents both worked and his mom was finishing nursing school. Again, he became like my own child. I am still close to his family and in fact, my husband and I are godparents to that little boy and his brother and sister.
I always envisioned becoming a mom. I have always wanted kids. In fact, I became a teacher and am surrounded by kids all day during the school year. When I was a child and would picture my future family, I envisioned it, not around a husband, but around kids. Unfortunately, I was so focused on school that I didn’t spend much time dating. I finally met my husband while I was in grad school and we were engaged three months later. We got married in July 2009 with the agreement that we would wait two years before trying for kids.
However, I got antsy and pushed for trying sooner. He finally relented and in March of 2011, I finished my birth control and we started trying. For the first few months, I wasn’t worried. I knew it could take healthy couples up to a year, but I really thought that by 6 months, we would be pregnant. We weren’t. I tried everything I could think to make it better. I took my temperature and used Ovulation Predictor Kits to determine when I was ovulating. We timed intercourse perfectly. I would lie afterwards with a pillow under my bottom. We tried the positions most recommended for conceiving. We bought Pre-Seed and used it.
When we had tried for 11 months, I called to make an appointment with an OBGYN. He tested my husband. He was fine. He also did an HSG test on me. Nothing was blocked. Finally he put me on Clomid. I have been on it for three months.
Every month, the depression I felt got worse. At first I would cry for an hour when I got my period. That slowly turned into several hours and then a day. Then I would be depressed for a few days. It was horrible for both me and my husband. My husband was very patient with me, but eventually he said, “I feel like you have given me so much happiness and you have only been miserable with me.” That broke my heart, but as much as I wanted to reassure him that he would be enough, I just couldn’t. I knew that if I never had kids, I would feel cheated. Why can so many others do it so effortlessly, but we have put such work into it and gotten nothing in return?
I was slowly becoming miserable all the time. I hated going to work, because there were so many kids around. I hated spending time with my family, because they all told me I just needed to relax. How can you relax when you want something so badly and there is nothing you can do to get it? I hated watching television, because it seemed someone was pregnant or had small children on every show. I was so fixated and life was becoming a nightmare.
I have been a Christian since I was a small child. I was raised to trust that God would give us what we needed and we needed to be patient and trust Him to provide. But it seemed God no longer cared. I begged him to listen and send us what we wanted so desperately. I cried and pleaded for hours at a time. I would have given anything, or so I thought, just to have that baby I had always wanted.
Then in May of 2012 our world changed. My husband went to the doctor and came home with a diagnosis of cancer. It was melanoma, but the tumor was so large, they wanted to check his lymph nodes to be sure it hadn’t spread. June 15, we got the news we never expected. The cancer was in the lymph node they took, meaning it had spread beyond the skin. Now it was serious. They would need to go in and remove all the lymph nodes under his arm. If it was in more than 2 more lymph nodes, the prognosis was not good. My husband would have about a 50/50 chance of surviving 5 more years.
Suddenly my life was shattered. How many 27 year olds have to face the possibility of becoming a widow? And I began to pray and plead yet again. But this time for God to spare my husband. I made him a deal I thought I would never make. “Please save my husband’s life. Let us grow old together and you can take away any chance of us ever having kids together. Just let him be okay.”
My husband went in for surgery a week later and a week after that, we had our results. The rest of his lymph nodes were clear. Now his prognosis is around 80% for 5 years. We’re currently getting ready for him to start a clinical trial.
I still want kids. I want them as much as I want air to breathe, but I would make that prayer again in a heartbeat. I would trade all my potential children for just 5 more years with my husband. And I mourn that year I spent being miserable. I could have been enjoying time with my husband when he was healthy. I could have appreciated the wonderful spouse God gave me instead of screaming at him for not giving me the children I wanted.
Maybe we will have children someday. Maybe we won’t. With the medical bills we have from my husband for past and future treatments, I doubt we will ever be able to afford the more invasive treatments like IVF. But it doesn’t matter so much anymore. I guess it’s really all about perspective. And mine is forever altered by what could have been.
To Lyndee herself - as we both returned to work this past week, I thought of you often. Thank you again for allowing me to share your story. And to anyone else who would be willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.
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