The two week wait...

                If you've been trying for any length of time, you know what I mean by the two week wait.  That dreaded time between when you ovulate and when you expect Aunt Flo to visit.  You try not to get wrapped up in any "symptoms" you think you're having, but you can't help getting a little excited when your basal body temperatures are rising well or your chest feels sore or you feel tired or...(this list could go on for awhile).  Never mind that those things happen every month - maybe this time it's a sign of good news.  And then the two weeks are over.  It's either time to cross your fingers and pee on a stick because Aunt Flo didn't show up OR time to stuff your face with chocolate because the witch is back.  Well, the witch came back to visit me again today.  But, for the record, I was good and didn't even touch a single piece of chocolate :) !  In addition to the fact that I'm supposed to avoid eating sugar (more on my dietary guidelines on a post in the near future), I've also been trying to count calories to lose a few pounds and those 50 calories just weren't worth it when I knew I wasn't going to be working out at all today.  But back to the two week wait...14 days of wondering and hoping and praying and "feeling symptoms" that may or may not be there.  I've had to learn over time not to let myself get my hopes up too much during those 14 days because it just makes it that much harder when you start your period and realize that you weren't successful at getting pregnant that cycle.  It's already hard enough thinking about what it would be like to have a baby every day...it's just not worth it to be mad at your body on top of that because it didn't cooperate with you again.  The one time my body did cooperate, I was speechless and almost didn't believe it (well, I guess I didn't believe it because I had to pee on another stick to be sure).  It was an incredible feeling!  And then it ended in a heartbreaking conclusion a few weeks later.  I often think about which is harder - months of no pregnancy success or getting pregnant again only to lose it.  Of course, the best conclusion to the story would be to get pregnant again and have a beautiful and healthy baby!  But if that's not in the cards right now, which is easier to handle - infertility or miscarriage?  I honestly don't know which is worse and I don't think it's a cut and dry answer.  Having fertility issues and having a miscarriage are both tough to handle and I pray often for you other women out there that are struggling with either one or both.  Know that you are beautiful and strong.  And that you are loved by a God who is beyond the aches and pains of this world!

It's National Infertility Awareness Week 2012

                Did you know that there was such a thing as National Infertility Awareness Week?  I didn't until just the other day so don't feel bad if you didn't either :).  According to RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, this year's theme is DON'T IGNORE INFERTILITY.  You can visit the official website here.  They are encouraging members of the infertility community to demonstrate that they won't ignore fertility through some small or large act this week.  While they give some examples (don't ignore opportunities to talk about infertility, don't ignore infertility support available, don't ignore people struggling with infertility, etc.), my favorite is this: Don’t ignore your own strength. If you’re engaged in the fight against infertility, take a moment to recognize your courage and determination, as well as that of the sisters and brothers fighting alongside you.  Amen!  Don't forget that you are strong beyond belief and that there is an entire army fighting this battle right alongside of you.
                MSN Health also had a good article about the struggle of infertility today: The Invisible Pain of Infertility.  Check it out...although I thought the part about the latest fertility breakthrough was a little odd and took away from the point they were trying to make, I appreciated their thoughts on the benefits of opening up.  And REDBOOK's "The Truth About Trying" Campaign is awesome!  I've never posted a youtube video, but I might just have to post my first one to join the campaign :).

How Aunt Flo's monthly visits have brought me closer to God

                When I was a teenager and would get cramps each time Aunt Flo would come to visit, I used to tell my mom that God should have made women with a period on/off switch.  Seemed pretty cut and dry to me: there was no sense in having to deal with a period until you were ready to try to have kids...until then, let's just turn off the cycle so we're not in pain and don't have to deal with the monthly issues that come along with our periods.  How ironic that seems now.  I don't so much dread the pain of a period each month as I dread the fact that is comes at all...proof that we have once again been unsuccessful at becoming pregnant that cycle.  I would deal with period cramps every day if it meant I could gain a certainty about God's plan for my life - His plan for my path to motherhood.  I have full faith that God does have a plan for me and that I will become a mother; however, since it hasn't worked out yet with my planning and timing (if you know me, you know that I am a meticulous PLANNER), it's absolutely frustrating not knowing what His plan is.  But that doesn't mean that I lose hope or faith in my journey.  If anything, it allows me to learn to lean on God more. 
                My bible study ladies and I have recently finished going through Francis Chan's DVD series and book Forgotten God.  The series is about the Holy Spirit and allowing it to work in our lives.  One week, we were talking about how we have experienced the Holy Spirit speaking to us in our lives.  My comment was that He often has to put major roadblocks in my life for me to listen.  Since I'm so much of a planner, I always have in my head a picture of the path ahead of me.  If the Holy Spirit wants to interrupt my path, He often has to throw big detours in that path for me to pay attention.  And then it hit me - my infertility issues and miscarriage have been a huge roadblock...so what can I take from this roadblock? 
                Do I think that God wants me to suffer and have a hard road to becoming a mother?  No - of course not.  I think God always desires the best for His children and would prefer us to have a perfect life and abounding happiness (He did try once, but Adam and Eve had different plans).   But I also think that He (just like any good father) allows things to happen sometimes so that we can grow from those experiences and learn to depend on Him more.  So I started trying to listen to what I thought the Holy Spirit wanted me to learn from the journey and what I could do to bring praise to God in this circumstance.  Enter the Jealous of Fertile Myrtle blog.  I feel like I'm supposed to connect with others and reach out to them through these difficulties.  And, if I'm being honest, I have felt closer to God these last couple of weeks since I started the blog than I have in years.  I feel closer to Him because I feel like I'm starting to do something to reach out to others and to bring them comfort by sharing my experiences.  I have no idea what God has planned for me through this blog (and hopefully beyond to a greater ministry reach), but I will do my best to faithfully listen to the Holy Spirit's prompting when He tells me to help those that are hurting through similar circumstances.  If you are reading this, remember that God loves you and is right there with you along the rocky road you are traveling (whether that be a road to motherhood or another challenge you are facing).  He is the ultimate source of strength and comfort, and He greatly desires to hold you closer if you'll let Him in to do so.

Things that women who struggle with fertility or miscarriage don't like hearing...

Maybe it's just me, but I have a feeling that these sayings hurt or frustrate most women who struggle with fertility or miscarriage.

"Just wait until you have kids...you'll understand."  This one rolls right off of peoples' tongues without them even realizing it could be hurtful, but all we hear is "you don't have kids."  Thanks for the reminder.

"At least you get to have fun trying."  Think about this for a minute...do you really think that stressing about having sex on a specific schedule every month is fun?  If so, you need a new definition of fun.

"Why don't you have kids yet?"  You would never ask a friend this question if you knew they were struggling with fertility issues, so just play it cautiously and don't ask anyone.

"It'll happen when you all quit thinking about it."  Great, thanks for the advice...because it's that easy to just quit thinking about it when we've been trying for so long.  We'll get right on that.

Complaints about your pregnancy.  If you are lucky enough to be pregnant and expecting a baby, please watch the complaints you make to your friends that are struggling with fertility or have had a miscarriage.  I'm not saying you don't have a right to express your discomforts (you absolutely do!), but try to choose someone else to share those feelings with.  Your friend who is having difficulty conceiving or carrying a baby often just gets jealous of the fact you are pregnant and may struggle with conflicting feelings when you complain to her about your pregnancy...do I sympathize or do I remind her that I would give anything to be pregnant even if it meant being uncomfortable?

Other sayings that bother you?  Share them with me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.  

Julie Penick, DNP, PhD, ThD, FNP, MSN...and my mom

                Since my mother has played such an integral role in my fertility journey thus far, I thought it would be good to let you all know a bit about her.  And yes - all of those initials behind her name are real :).  In the "conventional medicine" world, mom has been a practicing Family Nurse Practitioner for the last 15 years and has recently obtained her Doctorate of Nursing Practice.  In the "alternative medicine" world, mom has a PhD in Energy Medicine and a ThD in Spiritual Healing.  She currently has her own medical practice in which she emphasizes natural health alternatives to most of her patients.  Mom's patients are mostly people that have not had their needs met by the conventional medical system and have begun to seek out natural alternatives to help improve their well-being.  One of mom's specialties: natural hormone balancing for women... which includes women who have been unable to conceive or maintain a pregnancy.  No joke - my mom has been very successful at helping women move their bodies back to a natural balance where a pregnancy can be achieved and maintained.  Ironically, her daughter (AKA me) has been one of her toughest patients.  Many of the women who have come to my mom with fertility concerns have already tried fertility drugs and other recommendations from their OBGYNs without much success; however, most of these women have been able to get pregnant and have healthy babies with my mom's "body balancing" help.  You can imagine how frustrating it is for me and her alike to be in this situation...your own mother being able to help so many others but not having much luck with you...your own daughter being an infertility patient that interventions haven't seemed to work for like most of your other patients.  Despite my continued struggles with infertility, I am continually grateful for what my mom has been able to do for me on this journey and continues to do for me on a daily basis.  She is a constant support as both my mom and my healthcare provider.  And, seriously - she really has been able to assist many couples facing fertility challenges, most of whom are now parents.  She's even interested in contributing to some future posts on my blog :).  If you are reading this blog because you are also struggling with fertility issues and you feel you might be interested in some natural interventions, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com and I will pass along referral information for Julie Penick...DNP, PhD, ThD, FNP, MSN, and a fantastic woman all around :).

How will the healing begin?

I've received many messages since officially launching this blog last week and I wanted to share a thought from one of them with you.  I got a very encouraging email from someone who read my first blog post...one of those "friend of a friend" connections because he is the husband to a friend of mine from college.  Amongst several comments, he shared the thought that I titled this post after: "if we never show our wounds, how will the healing begin?"  I don't think I could say it any better myself so I'm not even going to try :).  I just felt like it was a simple, yet eloquent question full of wisdom.  How can we expect to heal if we don't show our wounds to anybody?  I'm not saying you have to show them on a completely public scale like I've decided to take on, but you've got to talk to someone.  I mentioned in a previous post that I'm a person who doesn't like to admit that I'm struggling with anything, but it wasn't until I shared my struggles with others that I began to process through them and handle them better emotionally.  God brings people into our lives for a reason...people who want to help us through the good times and bad.  We were made with a desire for connection to others.  Don't try to handle your troublesome journey on your own. 

Please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com if you need someone to connect with.  I am here to help through prayer and correspondence if you need a friend.

Why the title "Jealous of Fertile Myrtle"?

Fertile myrtle - a term used to refer to women who a) get pregnant easily or b) get pregnant often.

                When I asked Steve what he thought of the blog title he said he'd never heard the term fertile myrtle before.  Maybe it's just something women say...I don't know, but either way I figured I should clarify why I chose the title.  Once I explained what a fertile myrtle was, he said it was a good title.  I also decided to ask for my friend Becca's opinion before I officially went with it (to get a woman's opinion and because anyone who knows Becca knows that she is a blogging queen!).  She liked it so I stuck with it.  The whole point of this blog is to be real and honest about thoughts and feelings...and if I'm being real and honest, I am totally jealous of the fertile myrtles of the world.  Is jealousy a good, redeeming quality?  Absolutely not, but I'm jealous nonetheless.  That doesn't mean I love my friends who might qualify as "fertile myrtles" any less...some of them have been my greatest supporters through this journey and I love them dearly for that!  But when you've been trying to get pregnant without much success, you can't help but be jealous of those women whose roads to motherhood have been easier than yours.  In the time that we've been trying to get pregnant, I have witnessed friend after friend experience the joys of becoming a mother (several of them more than once) only to have my heart break a little each time because I am reminded of the letdowns in my own journey to motherhood.  So yes, I'm jealous of fertile myrtle and I'm not ashamed to admit that. 

"Medical" timeline of my journey thus far...

I said this in my initial post and I'll say it again (probably often): I don't post this entry so people can throw a "pity party" for me.  I post this because I know there are women out there who can identify and need to hear that someone else is traveling the same road they are.

July 2009 - Steve and I began trying to get pregnant.

Winter 2009 - Began getting concerned about trouble conceiving because I was having irregular periods.  My mom (aka my primary healthcare provider) put me on some natural supplements to regulate my period.  Began using OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) each cycle.

June 2010 - Began tracking my BBT (basal body temperature) on a daily basis for my doctors. 

July 2010 - OBGYN began discussing next steps to increase my fertility since we had been trying for a year.  Both my OBGYN and my mom recommended acupuncture because they knew I was supportive of natural interventions.  Started acupuncture treatments targeted to increase fertility.  Have continued these treatments (app. 3 times per month) ever since.

November 2010 - Steve got tested.  OBGYN didn't seem too concerned about his numbers.

December 25, 2010 - Took a home pregnancy test (2 days before my missed period) because the Christmas present I really wanted was to find out I was pregnant.  It was POSITIVE!

January 13, 2011 - Our first doctor's appointment of the pregnancy.  I had been spotting that week and had already been on the phone with the office numerous times because I was worried.  They decided to go ahead and do an ultrasound.  When they did the ultrasound and everything looked fine, it finally felt real to me and I actually believed that we were going to have a baby.  Two hours after I got home from my doctor's appointment I get a call that my bloodwork showed extremely low progesterone levels and that I had to immediately start a high dose progesterone supplement to support the pregnancy...my confidence quickly faded.

January 14, 2011 - I miscarried late in the afternoon.  I'll spare you the "medical" details and will just say that I am so thankful to have two doctors for parents...they have good access to shots that help stop painful and unpleasant symptoms pretty quickly.  Ironically, Steve and I had decided earlier in the week that this was the day we were going to tell the rest of our immediate families about the pregnancy.  Steve had to call them and tell them about a miscarriage instead.

Spring 2011 - Began trying to get pregnant again...we were hopeful it would happen more quickly this time since we had finally been able to get pregnant once.

Early Fall 2011 - OBGYN began mentioning incorporating Clomid into my fertility treatment to encourage stronger ovulations.  I told her I would consider it after the first of the year if I wasn't pregnant again with just the natural interventions.

January 2012 to Now - Started taking Clomid in addition to my acupuncture treatments.  My OBGYN has me scheduled to go in next month whether I'm pregnant or not so we can talk about what might be next...

(Side note: At the request of my mom, I also saw several other natural health practitioners during this time for consultations about my fertility problems.  I'll share about those another time...they need explanations and more details than we have time for in this post.)

I would love to be a listening ear if you want to share the details of your experiences with someone who can relate.  You can email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.  I want to pray for you and send my love your way if you will let me :).

Is she really talking about this?!?!

                Why do people treat infertility and miscarriage as if it's a taboo subject?  This is a concept I have really struggled with through my journey.  During my first year of trying to get pregnant, I didn't talk to anyone about what I was going through besides my husband and my mom.  Steve had to know what was going on because, well, he's kind of involved in the whole trying to conceive process.  My mom knew because she also happens to be my main healthcare provider (more on that another time).  But seriously, I felt uncomfortable talking about my struggles with anyone...even my own family and closest friends who would have loved to provide me with the support I needed earlier if they knew I was struggling.  Maybe it's because I'm a person who doesn't like to admit that I'm struggling with anything (I'm a bit of a control freak that way...ok, I'm A LOT of a control freak in that way and many others), but I think there is more to it than that.  It seems that discussions on infertility and miscarriages so often just get "swept under the rug" because so many people feel uncomfortable talking about it like it's a drug problem or something!  You should see the looks on people's faces sometimes when I admit that I struggle with fertility and that I had a miscarriage.  They look so uncomfortable and surprised to be hearing someone talk so openly about these issues...and it's not like I'm sharing this information with complete strangers (although I guess now I am).  These shocked and uncomfortable looks come from friends.  They don't mean to be rude and I definitely don't take it that way...it just always surprises me again when it happens.  I chose to begin sharing my struggles with people because it was eating me alive to keep them to myself.  I have never felt more alone in this world or depressed as I did about a year into trying to conceive.  And it wasn't until I chose to open up to other women (in my family and my bible study group to start) about what was going on that I began to feel less alone.  And through me sharing my experiences with others, I have been able to connect with several other friends who have also had miscarriages or are struggling to get pregnant.  They helped me and I helped them...we followed and continue to follow a path of healing together.   I know that I'm not alone and that God wants me to share my journey so that others won't feel alone too.  So please don't be surprised or uncomfortable when women you know are open and honest about their fertility struggles or a miscarriage they might have had.  They didn't wish for this, plan on this, and it's not something they did to themselves, but it's a part of their journey nonetheless.  Support them and love them and be proud of them for talking about it if that's what helps them cope :). 

The Who, What, and Why of this Blog...

What is this blog all about and why should I read it?

                I want to start by saying that I am a normal woman that is currently on a journey many women before me have followed and many women after me will follow - a journey of infertility and miscarriage.  I do not have extraordinary circumstances that have caused me to share my story; I just feel like my struggles have helped me to identify with the many other women in the world who have shared heartbreak in their quest for motherhood.  I don't want people to put me up on some pedestal as someone to be admired for what she has been through.  And I certainly don't want people to turn this into an opportunity for a "pity party" for me.  I simply want other women out there to be able to feel like they are not alone on their journeys.  This blog is for those women that are seeking a connection to someone else who has been in their shoes.  This is for the women who don't want to read more medical facts of infertility and miscarriage that, in my experience, do basically nothing but raise more questions and make you paranoid about every aspect of trying to conceive.  This is for women who just want to hear someone else's story - the hopes, the heartbreaks, and all the things in between.  And this is for anyone else who might not have followed a path similar to mine but hopes to better understand what it is like for those of us that do.  I'll try to share the good, the bad, and the ugly...the emotional highs and lows...the multitude of treatments and supplements I've tried...the interesting doctors and natural health practitioners that I have consulted with...and hopefully even some stories of other amazing women who have faced a rough road on the way to motherhood as well.

Who is this lady writing this blog and why did she start writing it?

                My name is Danielle...and this is the Readers Digest version of my infertility and miscarriage tale.  (There will be plenty of time for future posts to explain my journey in more detail.  Be honest - you know you don't want to have to read for an hour on just the first post alone!).  I am 26 years old and have been married to my wonderful husband, Steve, for 6 years.  Almost 3 years ago (July of 2009 to be exact), we began trying to get pregnant.  A year passed with no success, thus labeling me with "fertility issues."  It was at that point that we had some testing done and tried some natural interventions.  After almost a year and a half of trying, we were finally lucky enough to get pregnant in late 2010.  We had our first doctor's appointment on January 13, 2011 - including an ultrasound where I got the one and only picture of this new life that was inside of me.  On January 14, I miscarried the baby in the first trimester of the pregnancy.  It has been over a year since I miscarried and we have been unsuccessful in our attempts to get pregnant again thus far.  In that time, I have continued with natural interventions and added fertility drugs into the mix.  Over the last several weeks, I have felt this calling to share my story with more people around me...hence the Jealous of Fertile Myrtle blog.  I know that God has a plan for me and my path to motherhood, but that doesn't make the pains and longings in my heart any easier; however, feeling that part of the reason for the bumpy road I've traveled is to be able to help others who are following or will follow similar roads does help.  I feel like giving other women someone they can identify with and be encouraged by is a ministry task that God is leading me to take on.  So here we go God - I'm ready for you to use me.