When I
was a teenager and would get cramps each time Aunt Flo would come to visit, I
used to tell my mom that God should have made women with a period on/off
switch. Seemed pretty cut and dry to me:
there was no sense in having to deal with a period until you were ready to try
to have kids...until then, let's just turn off the cycle so we're not in pain
and don't have to deal with the monthly issues that come along with our
periods. How ironic that seems now. I don't so much dread the pain of a period
each month as I dread the fact that is comes at all...proof that we have once
again been unsuccessful at becoming pregnant that cycle. I would deal with period cramps every day if
it meant I could gain a certainty about God's plan for my life - His plan for
my path to motherhood. I have full faith
that God does have a plan for me and that I will become a mother; however, since
it hasn't worked out yet with my planning and timing (if you know me, you know
that I am a meticulous PLANNER), it's absolutely frustrating not knowing what
His plan is. But that doesn't mean that
I lose hope or faith in my journey. If
anything, it allows me to learn to lean on God more.
My bible
study ladies and I have recently finished going through Francis Chan's DVD
series and book Forgotten God.
The series is about the Holy Spirit and allowing it to work in our
lives. One week, we were talking about
how we have experienced the Holy Spirit speaking to us in our lives. My comment was that He often has to put major
roadblocks in my life for me to listen.
Since I'm so much of a planner, I always have in my head a picture of
the path ahead of me. If the Holy Spirit
wants to interrupt my path, He often has to throw big detours in that path for
me to pay attention. And then it hit me
- my infertility issues and miscarriage have been a huge roadblock...so what can
I take from this roadblock?
Do I
think that God wants me to suffer and have a hard road to becoming a
mother? No - of course not. I think God always desires the best for His
children and would prefer us to have a perfect life and abounding happiness (He did try
once, but Adam and Eve had different plans). But I
also think that He (just like any good father) allows things to happen sometimes
so that we can grow from those experiences and learn to depend on Him more. So I started trying to listen to what I
thought the Holy Spirit wanted me to learn from the journey and what I could do
to bring praise to God in this circumstance.
Enter the Jealous of Fertile
Myrtle blog. I feel like I'm
supposed to connect with others and reach out to them through these
difficulties. And, if I'm being honest,
I have felt closer to God these last couple of weeks since I started the blog
than I have in years. I feel closer to
Him because I feel like I'm starting to do something to reach out to others and
to bring them comfort by sharing my experiences. I have no idea what God has planned for me
through this blog (and hopefully beyond to a greater ministry reach), but I
will do my best to faithfully listen to the Holy Spirit's prompting when He
tells me to help those that are hurting through similar circumstances. If you are reading this, remember that God
loves you and is right there with you along the rocky road you are traveling
(whether that be a road to motherhood or another challenge you are facing). He is the ultimate source of strength and
comfort, and He greatly desires to hold you closer if you'll let Him in to do
so.
Hey Danielle,I found your blog through a friend who reposted it on Facebook.I just wanted to say, hang in there! You will get through this. I also have another story I wanted to share with you, about one of my friends, that might give you some hope. My friend, Amber, tried to have a baby for years. She got married at 18 and didn't have her first child until she was 25. They tried everything they could, even IVF. During these years, though, she had five miscarriages. She got pregnant after those miscarriages and delivered at five or six months. The baby only lived for three hours. A year after this tragic event Amber and her husband decided they were going to adopt. For the next year after that they waited for their court date so that they could adopt two little boys from Ethiopia. It was during this time that Amber found out she was pregnant. Not sure whether or not it would last, Amber decided not to tell anyone. But sure enough after three months things were going perfectly. When Amber was about six months along, her and her husband were able to bring home their first son, Casen, from Ethiopia. About a month after little Chloe was born they brought home their second son, Camden. Now they are one of the happiest families I have ever seen. This story just reminds me that even though at times we may think God has forgotten about us, he really is in complete control. He has a special plan for each of us to make us happy and to meet the desires of our hearts. I also learned that God may make us happy in different ways than we had expected or origionally planned. I hope this helps. I just thought this was also an inspiring story for other couples who are going through fertility difficulties.
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