"Your love is like a rollercoaster, BABY BABY"

To get to the BABY BABY, it sure has been (and continues to be) an emotional rollercoaster.  I'm sharing this "emotional timeline" because a lot of people have commented to me lately that I seem to be handling things very well.  Well, yes, right now (in general and excluding my occasional moments of dejection) I would say that I am handling things with a pretty good attitude :)!  But I have my moments of emotional ups and downs just like everyone else, so here are some of the highlights of where I've been during my journey.  For those of you traveling a similar road to mine (or really any bumpy life road), hopefully knowing someone else has ridden a similar rollercoaster of emotions will help you as you sort through your own feelings.

(Side note: There are the daily/weekly/monthly emotional highs and lows that go along with each cycle, but this is more of an overall timeline of my journey as a whole.)

July 2009 - Steve and I began trying to get pregnant.  We were taking a walk in our neighborhood when he told me (out of the blue, mind you) that he thought he was ready to start trying.  I was ecstatic!  I had been feeling those "I want to be a mommy" thoughts tugging at my heart strings for a few months, but we had always talked about being married for 5 years before we started having kids so I wasn't even going to really pursue the topic until the fall of that year.  Lo and behold - Steve brought it up and I was happy as a clam to start trying...emotional high :).

Winter 2009/2010 - Tried to remain optimistic even though we hadn't gotten pregnant yet.  I kept telling myself that it would happen soon so, emotionally, I was still doing pretty well.

Spring 2010 - From probably March through early summer, this was a pretty low period for me emotionally.  It was at this point that I realized the path to parenthood might not be so easy for us and I got really discouraged.  I wasn't at the point that I felt like I could talk to anyone about what was going on so I just bottled all those negative feelings up inside.  It was hard for me to make that transition to talking to someone about what was going on because I'm a very private person and a person who loves my "everything is perfect" facade.  But it was when I started talking to people (Steve, my mom, close female friends) that I felt like I could breathe again and that I wasn't alone in this journey.

July 2010 - "It's been one year, now what..." consultation with my OBGYN led me to start acupuncture in addition to the natural interventions my mom had started me on.  I had a renewed hope that things would get on track and that a baby could be in our near future.

November 2010 - Since my OBGYN was recommending some further interventions for me (Steve tested pretty well at this point so it reaffirmed that the problem was most likely going on with me), I was beginning to get discouraged again.  Seemed like things were about to step up a level in seriousness and I was having a hard time with that.

December 25, 2010 - BFP!  (Big Fat Positive on a pregnancy test...for those of you who don't know the "fertility lingo".)  I think it's safe to say that this was the happiest time I've had throughout this journey; however, Steve and I remained very cautious in getting our hopes up because we knew of several friends who had suffered miscarriages in the previous few months.

January 13, 2011 - We had our first doctor's appointment of the pregnancy and (for a few reasons) they went ahead and did an ultrasound.  The ultrasound looked great and I finally believed that we were going to have a baby - emotional high of all highs...until two hours later.  My optimism quickly faded as I got a call from my doctor's office after the appointment.  My bloodwork showed extremely low progesterone levels.  For those of you who know about fertility issues, you know that progesterone is important to support a pregnancy.  As you may imagine, getting a very concerned call from your doctor's office that leads to you immediately being put on a high dose prescription (with a very hefty price tag, I might add) doesn't do much for your confidence in this situation.

January 14, 2011 - The date of my miscarriage.  Probably doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this was an emotionally crushing experience.  Although I feel I handled the whole situation pretty well, it was the saddest event of my life.  Losing the life that I had hoped and prayed for was tough, but I think it ultimately helped that Steve and I were very cautious from the beginning to not let ourselves get too excited.  Because I hadn't gotten my hopes up too far, there was a little shorter distance for them to fall.

Spring 2011 - As we started trying to get pregnant again, we were optimistic it would happen more quickly since we'd finally been successful at getting pregnant once.  We might have lost our first baby, but us even getting to that pregnancy was a positive step so we had hope.

Fall 2011 - As the months passed by with no second pregnancy, I was getting discouraged again; however, I can say that I've never felt alone anymore because I was able to talk to some of our amazing friends and family about our fertility problems.  God continued to show me that if I trusted my thoughts and feelings with these people, that they would walk with me along my journey and support me as much as they could...and they have :).

*Random note: it was at this point that I realized I must have become "one of those patients" in my OBGYN's office.  Even when I needed to go in for just my yearly check, they fit me in the next week and I saw my doc instead of the nurse practitioner...usually, it takes 3-4 months to get an appointment with my doc instead of the nurse practitioner for just a yearly check.  While I was thrilled that it was so easy for me to get an appointment (and it has continued to be that way), it made me realize I wasn't just your typical patient anymore...and that was weird.

January 2012 to Now - Agreed to increase my interventions with my OBGYN (I've mentioned taking clomid before here when I shared my medical timeline, but more about the "coming soon" interventions will be in my next post).  I've had somewhat of a renewed sense of hope again (I mean, why not think the best when trying some new things, right?), but until I actually see another BFP on a stick I think my optimism will only carry me so far.  My realist side has set in and, while I still have faith that God has a plan for me to become a mom, I just try to live every day doing what I know I'm supposed to do to increase my chances of becoming a mother.  If I can accomplish successfully following the protocols each day (eating the right things, taking the right supplements/prescriptions, going to my appointments, etc), I'm happy right now.  I can't expect God to perform a miracle if I don't do my part.  So, instead of the miracle itself, I'm focused on doing my part and seeing where it takes me along this journey.  And I think it's safe to say that whenever and however my miracle happens, it will provide me with an emotional high like I never imagined it could :). 

"I'm pregnant" might as well be a four letter word

                "I'm pregnant...I'm pregnant...I'm pregnant...I'm pregnant...I'm pregnant."  Five times in four days - that's how often a dear friend of mine who has been having some fertility issues of her own heard those words recently.  They might as well have just said "@%#*!$" to her face...it probably would have hurt less.  No matter how happy you want to be for your friend who shares her exciting news with you, there is no happiness that can outweigh the heartbreak you feel inside when you hear those words "I'm pregnant" come from someone else's mouth.  It's like you and your friend trying out for cheerleading (hey, it's a sport!) and finding out she made the squad and you didn't.  You've practiced for months, had a private coach, and thought of nothing else but still you just didn't make the cut.  It's not your time...maybe next year...maybe never?  But, hopefully, you persevere in your training and hold on to faith that one day you will reach your goal.
                Over the last couple of years, I've had to struggle with my feelings every time a friend of mine tells me that she's pregnant.  I'm happy for those ladies (because I definitely don't wish the experiences of infertility or miscarriage on them), but it's tough to be happy when it comes at the expense of your own pain.  And boy does it make it worse when you hear things like "we weren't even trying" or "it was an accident".  An accident...really?!  What I wouldn't give to be in a fertile accident!  It's tough to hear that someone else just fell into a spot on the squad when you've been preparing for months and still haven't made it.  But then there are the other times that have served as a reminder of what a blessing some friends can be.  I am so appreciative of those friends who know what I've been through and have been incredibly sensitive in sharing their pregnancy news with me.  And honestly, the nearest and dearest of those friends to me, haven't expected me to be happy for them (even though a part of me usually is).  They know it hurts for me to hear that news so they cry with me and love on me if I need it.  And if I don't need it at that moment, I know they'll be there when I do.  Christ has allowed his light to shine brightly through some amazing women...some amazing mothers...in my life and I thank them daily for their support and love. 
                "I'm pregnant."  It's hard hearing those words from others when your own road to motherhood has been a struggle, but it's a reality that we all must face nonetheless.  If you've heard those words recently and are having a hard time with them, talk it out with someone.  Trust me when I tell you that there is a friend out there who won't judge you when you just want to vent about those feelings.  And if you don't feel like you have someone you can share those frustrated feelings with, email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.  I promise not to judge how you're feeling - I promise to be an encouragement - I promise to support you the best I can during your hard times.

Miracles happen

                As I was preparing my classroom for the end of the year this week, I came across this post-it note that a friend at work gave me last year.  It hangs on a small cork board near my desk all the time but, just like most things that are a constant in our surroundings, I tend to overlook it and forget about it.  As I was clearing some papers from that cork board to store for the summer, I couldn't help but smile when I saw the post-it.  Miracles happen...I was given that message during one of the times that I needed to be reminded of it the most and the post-it will continue to hang on my board as a reminder of that truth.  Can't wait until my miracle happens :).  And I hope that if you're like me and struggling on the road to motherhood you also always remember that MIRACLES HAPPEN.    

Happy Mother's Day feels like an oxymoron sometimes...

                No, I don't really believe that Happy Mother's Day is an oxymoron because it gives me a chance to remember what a wonderful mother (and mother-in-law) God blessed me with in this life.  But I also wouldn't call it the most happy of holidays for those of us having a hard time becoming a mom.  Rewind back a year and a half ago...this was supposed to be my first official Mother's Day.  I should be celebrating as a mom with an 8 1/2 month old baby in my arms.  And last year I would have celebrated as a mom-to-be knowing that a beautiful baby was growing inside me and getting ready to meet the rest of the world.  But, sadly, I miscarried my first baby and I have met Mother's Day both last year and this year with a little heartbrokenness.  I can honestly say that I didn't expect to meet this holiday again without either being pregnant or having a baby in my arms, but that is the path my life has taken and I am holding on to hope that my time will come.  But until then, this holiday is just another reminder of the fertility failures so far for myself and for those that are traveling a similar road to mine.  Today my prayers are full for the women who have a hard time saying "Happy Mother's Day"...know that I and others are right there with you.

Eat this, not that

                I mentioned here that I would post about the dietary guidelines that I'm currently following at the suggestion of my mother and my acupuncturist.  And just for the record: I'm no saint that resists all temptations all the time.  Even though I know I should be eating this way all the time, I go through "screw it" phases where I justify to myself that I should eat whatever I want.  Like when I'm struggling with a melancholy state of mind...or when it's the holidays (because, come on, it's the holidays).  But I've recommitted to this plan because I know it helps me balance out my hormones.  And, on the plus side, because I'm eating healthier I tend to lose weight. ..can't complain about that :).

                At my mother's suggestion, I follow an eating plan known as the Kaufmann Diet.  It is an eating plan that is largely anti-yeast/anti-fungal and my mom puts a lot of patients on it to help with a variety of conditions, including hormone issues.  While on the Kaufmann Diet, I basically avoid the following:

- sugar (except natural sugars in fruits) and artificial sweeteners (only stevia is allowed)
- potatoes (this one hurts because man do I love some mashed potatoes...)
- corn and wheat grains (can have brown rice, quinoa, oats, flour tortillas, and sourdough bread)

There are other guidelines within the diet, but those are the biggies in my book...no sugar and no starch.  It's mostly low carb and it helps you get rid of a lot of the unnatural things in your diet because you avoid most things with preservatives and additives.

                At my acupuncturist's suggestion, I avoid poultry during the first half of my cycle until I ovulate (during the follicular phase for those of you who know the technical term).  So until that egg is released in my body, no eggs for me...or chicken or turkey at all for that matter.   Let me just say this: you probably don't realize how often people eat chicken until you're not supposed to eat it for half the month!  It's unreal how much of our diet (or mine, at least) consists of eating that bird.  My acupuncturist explained that I should only eat it at certain times because it has something to do with how our bodies process poultry.  Sorry I don't remember the details here, but she explained that it can somehow block the uterus...bad before you ovulate because it could block the egg, but good after you ovulate because it could help "hold things in" if you get a fertilized and implanted egg.  So, after I ovulate and have been poultry deprived for a couple weeks, there is almost nothing that tastes better than a big piece of chicken or a supersized omelet.

                So that's how I eat in a nutshell.  Limited and often times annoying, but not unattainable and certainly much healthier for me.  If anyone wants more detailed information about the Kaufmann Diet, email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com and I'll send them your way.

A, B, C, E, F, G...wait, something's missing

                The latest discovery along this journey of mine is that I am Vitamin D deficient.  Really...Vitamin D?  It's not like I'm a hermit who never goes out in the sun!  Let's just add one more random thing that is wrong up on the board and see how it affects everything else in my system, shall we?  Talk about annoying...it seems every time we think we get one problem fixed, another thing pops up.  My mom decided to test my Vitamin D level this past cycle (along with my progesterone and thyroid levels - two other issues I have that relate to my fertility problems) because she has recently come across several sources that showed a link between a Vitamin D deficiency and infertility.  And if Julie Penick, DNP, PhD, ThD, FNP, MSN thinks my Vitamin D level needs to be addressed than we shall address it :).  I guess now I'll add another supplement to my daily regimen (oh joy, more pills to swallow) and get out in the sun a little more (ok, this one isn't so bad). 
                For you other ladies out there who are struggling to conceive or maintain a pregnancy, if you have not gotten your Vitamin D level checked yet it's probably worth a look.  Here is a link to one of the articles my mom sent me if you're interested: http://www.thefertilitydoc.com/vitamin-d-deficiency-may-diminish-your-fertility-by-david-kreiner-md-and-brianna-rudick-md/.  And if you have never had your thyroid level or your 7 day post-ovulation progesterone level checked, you really should talk to your doctor.