"Your love is like a rollercoaster, BABY BABY"

To get to the BABY BABY, it sure has been (and continues to be) an emotional rollercoaster.  I'm sharing this "emotional timeline" because a lot of people have commented to me lately that I seem to be handling things very well.  Well, yes, right now (in general and excluding my occasional moments of dejection) I would say that I am handling things with a pretty good attitude :)!  But I have my moments of emotional ups and downs just like everyone else, so here are some of the highlights of where I've been during my journey.  For those of you traveling a similar road to mine (or really any bumpy life road), hopefully knowing someone else has ridden a similar rollercoaster of emotions will help you as you sort through your own feelings.

(Side note: There are the daily/weekly/monthly emotional highs and lows that go along with each cycle, but this is more of an overall timeline of my journey as a whole.)

July 2009 - Steve and I began trying to get pregnant.  We were taking a walk in our neighborhood when he told me (out of the blue, mind you) that he thought he was ready to start trying.  I was ecstatic!  I had been feeling those "I want to be a mommy" thoughts tugging at my heart strings for a few months, but we had always talked about being married for 5 years before we started having kids so I wasn't even going to really pursue the topic until the fall of that year.  Lo and behold - Steve brought it up and I was happy as a clam to start trying...emotional high :).

Winter 2009/2010 - Tried to remain optimistic even though we hadn't gotten pregnant yet.  I kept telling myself that it would happen soon so, emotionally, I was still doing pretty well.

Spring 2010 - From probably March through early summer, this was a pretty low period for me emotionally.  It was at this point that I realized the path to parenthood might not be so easy for us and I got really discouraged.  I wasn't at the point that I felt like I could talk to anyone about what was going on so I just bottled all those negative feelings up inside.  It was hard for me to make that transition to talking to someone about what was going on because I'm a very private person and a person who loves my "everything is perfect" facade.  But it was when I started talking to people (Steve, my mom, close female friends) that I felt like I could breathe again and that I wasn't alone in this journey.

July 2010 - "It's been one year, now what..." consultation with my OBGYN led me to start acupuncture in addition to the natural interventions my mom had started me on.  I had a renewed hope that things would get on track and that a baby could be in our near future.

November 2010 - Since my OBGYN was recommending some further interventions for me (Steve tested pretty well at this point so it reaffirmed that the problem was most likely going on with me), I was beginning to get discouraged again.  Seemed like things were about to step up a level in seriousness and I was having a hard time with that.

December 25, 2010 - BFP!  (Big Fat Positive on a pregnancy test...for those of you who don't know the "fertility lingo".)  I think it's safe to say that this was the happiest time I've had throughout this journey; however, Steve and I remained very cautious in getting our hopes up because we knew of several friends who had suffered miscarriages in the previous few months.

January 13, 2011 - We had our first doctor's appointment of the pregnancy and (for a few reasons) they went ahead and did an ultrasound.  The ultrasound looked great and I finally believed that we were going to have a baby - emotional high of all highs...until two hours later.  My optimism quickly faded as I got a call from my doctor's office after the appointment.  My bloodwork showed extremely low progesterone levels.  For those of you who know about fertility issues, you know that progesterone is important to support a pregnancy.  As you may imagine, getting a very concerned call from your doctor's office that leads to you immediately being put on a high dose prescription (with a very hefty price tag, I might add) doesn't do much for your confidence in this situation.

January 14, 2011 - The date of my miscarriage.  Probably doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this was an emotionally crushing experience.  Although I feel I handled the whole situation pretty well, it was the saddest event of my life.  Losing the life that I had hoped and prayed for was tough, but I think it ultimately helped that Steve and I were very cautious from the beginning to not let ourselves get too excited.  Because I hadn't gotten my hopes up too far, there was a little shorter distance for them to fall.

Spring 2011 - As we started trying to get pregnant again, we were optimistic it would happen more quickly since we'd finally been successful at getting pregnant once.  We might have lost our first baby, but us even getting to that pregnancy was a positive step so we had hope.

Fall 2011 - As the months passed by with no second pregnancy, I was getting discouraged again; however, I can say that I've never felt alone anymore because I was able to talk to some of our amazing friends and family about our fertility problems.  God continued to show me that if I trusted my thoughts and feelings with these people, that they would walk with me along my journey and support me as much as they could...and they have :).

*Random note: it was at this point that I realized I must have become "one of those patients" in my OBGYN's office.  Even when I needed to go in for just my yearly check, they fit me in the next week and I saw my doc instead of the nurse practitioner...usually, it takes 3-4 months to get an appointment with my doc instead of the nurse practitioner for just a yearly check.  While I was thrilled that it was so easy for me to get an appointment (and it has continued to be that way), it made me realize I wasn't just your typical patient anymore...and that was weird.

January 2012 to Now - Agreed to increase my interventions with my OBGYN (I've mentioned taking clomid before here when I shared my medical timeline, but more about the "coming soon" interventions will be in my next post).  I've had somewhat of a renewed sense of hope again (I mean, why not think the best when trying some new things, right?), but until I actually see another BFP on a stick I think my optimism will only carry me so far.  My realist side has set in and, while I still have faith that God has a plan for me to become a mom, I just try to live every day doing what I know I'm supposed to do to increase my chances of becoming a mother.  If I can accomplish successfully following the protocols each day (eating the right things, taking the right supplements/prescriptions, going to my appointments, etc), I'm happy right now.  I can't expect God to perform a miracle if I don't do my part.  So, instead of the miracle itself, I'm focused on doing my part and seeing where it takes me along this journey.  And I think it's safe to say that whenever and however my miracle happens, it will provide me with an emotional high like I never imagined it could :).