What now?

                So, to address the question I've been asked by many: what happens with your blog now?  My hope is to continue it in some form or fashion.  Just because it seems that things have finally worked out in my fertility journey (17 weeks along - baby still has a wonderfully strong little heartbeat - belly growing enough that others are starting to take notice...I'll be honest, this one is taking some getting used to!) doesn't mean I think that God's purpose and journey for this blog is over.  As long as I still have thoughts to share or stories from other awesome women (or men) to share, I'll keep posting them.  People are still checking the blog and I'm still getting emails so I know there is a space and a need for something like this.  In addition to now planning for a baby, I'm starting grad school again in the spring so posts might be a bit more spread out sometimes (after all, I am human and there are only so many hours in the day).  But fear not - until God gives me a sign that this blogging journey is complete, Jealous of Fertile Myrtle will live on!  Thank you for all of your continued support over the last 8 months (3 1/2 years if you know me personally)...looking forward to what the future holds :).

Symphony of a Heartbeat

               On this Thanksgiving Eve, I am thankful for the life that is growing inside me…a miraculous gift from God of which I still can’t quite grasp the reality.  Many people have asked me “what did you do differently this time?”  Well, that can turn into quite a long answer.  We changed several things this summer and tried them for a few months.  I’m fairly convinced that it probably wasn’t just one of them that worked, but rather the combination of all the instruments into a symphony of success (yep, that’s the music teacher coming out in me).  It was a completely different mix of instruments than what worked for us in 2010 when we got pregnant, but after continuing to trust that something would eventually work again we finally found our recipe for success.  So here goes…everything that we tried on me (because, remember, every time Steve was tested he was good) in the few months leading up to the glorious positive pregnancy test we got 2 ½ months ago:

1. March 2012 – Had a series of appointments with a chiropractor (and I’m so awesome that I have forgotten his name…whoops) that my mom’s friend recommended.  This chiropractor was not your average chiropractor, but someone who is known to help patients through the unique avenue of frequency testing in addition to his alignment help.  He found that my alignment was off and putting a lot of pressure on my reproductive organs so he fixed my alignment and checked for a few weeks to make sure it was holding.  He also said that I had parasites in my ovaries and got rid of them with what I can only think to call frequency therapy...kind of an energy thing.  Believe in it or not, it couldn’t have hurt.

2. April 2012 – Recommitted myself to eating on the Kaufmann plan.  While this has been my preferred method of eating for years to help with different issues and just for overall health, I (like everyone else) would go through funks where I would say “screw it” and eat whatever I wanted.  I reminded myself that this was an important part of my journey to motherhood so I rededicated myself to cleaning up my diet.

3. May 2012 – Increased my clomid dose at my OBGYN’s recommendation from 50 mg to 100 mg.

4. May 2012 – Changed the enzymes and supplements I took based on my mom’s recommendation (read more about her here).  She learned about some new protocols and was convinced that my liver was toxic which was not allowing my body to absorb all the supplements I was taking to help with my fertility.  My mom said to give her 60-90 days for the new enzymes to make a difference...3 months later I was pregnant so maybe she was right :).  I also started wearing custom orthotic shoe inserts regularly at the suggestion of my mom to help with my alignment and began taking a Vitamin D supplement (I talked about that here).

5. Continued acupuncture.  My acupuncturist specializes in helping people with fertility issues (whether they have a hard time getting pregnant or a hard time holding on to pregnancies) and continues to attend ongoing seminars to learn more about new ways to help those with fertility issues.

6. Continued tracking my BBT and using ovulation predictors to make sure we were timing things correctly.

7. Continued praying like crazy!  You can never discount the power of prayer – it all happens in God’s timing and I know that He hears our prayers when we share the desires of our heart.

               So, I guess when you combine all those different things it was our recipe for success...our symphony of a heartbeat :).  There are so many issues women and men can face on the road to parenthood that there is no one recipe for success that will work for everyone; however, if you are trying to become a mommy or daddy I strongly encourage you to seek out more information about at least one of the things I tried.  You never know what may or may not work for you until you try. 

Dreams really do come true

                I've been trying to think of the best way to share this news for weeks, but I'm fairly convinced there is no perfect or right way so here goes: I'M PREGNANT.  Words cannot describe the excitement that I have begun to feel as the last several weeks have passed, and yet that joy has always been balanced with the thought "is this for real?"  Well, I'm finally starting to believe myself that it is real so it's time to spread the word that Steve and I are expecting our miracle!  13 1/2 weeks along and all signs seem good so far. 
                As I began to share the news recently with friends who I've connected with due to our shared experiences of infertility and miscarriage, I was continually greeted with excitement and enthusiasm at the prospect of our story shifting from a bumpy journey into hope.  But I know that for some of you it is still hard to hear the news (it always was for me no matter how happy I was for my friends).  With that in mind, I don't want to go crazy and overwhelm you in this one post...I simply say thank you for your support through my blogging journey thus far.  Several people have asked me two questions as I have shared the news: what made the difference in you finally being able to get pregnant and what are you going to do with the blog?  I plan on answering those questions in posts to come soon, but today I'm thankful for your prayers for me and my husband.  I still can't quite comprehend it myself, but I am so grateful that God has allowed me to be where I am right here - right now - in this moment of life...and expecting a baby :).

Venturing into charted territory

            I’m sure most of you have heard of natural family planning: a woman charts her basal body temperatures (BBT) to figure out her most fertile time frame each cycle and then takes precautions during that time to avoid getting pregnant. Well, if you’re trying to conceive I suggest you follow the same procedures…you know, without the avoiding getting pregnant part ;). If you’ve never tracked your BBT before, it’s fairly simple and very effective in helping a woman who has pretty normal cycles figure out her fertile window. It can also help your doctor know if something isn't quite working right when your temps seem "out of whack."  The procedure is as follows:

1. Take your temperature with a high quality thermometer as soon as you wake up in the morning. Don’t go cheap on this…it is extremely important that the thermometer is accurate to the 0.1 of a degree.

2. Record your temps on a chart/graph each cycle until you notice a pattern. Your temps will be lower the first half of your cycle then they will raise and stay elevated post-ovulation. Once you establish a few months of temps, you can see where your temperature typically raises and then establish your fertile window.

Here's an example of a pretty decent chart of mine...notice that after day 16 (when I ovulated), the temps began to rise and then settled in at a higher baseline than earlier in the cycle.

And here's an example of a not-so-decent chart of mine...notice how the temps seem to lack consistency and they stayed pretty high for a lot of the first half of my cycle.  This, unfortunately, has not been unusual for me which was an indication that things weren't quite on the right track.

 

              I started tracking my BBT app. 2 ½ years ago and have done so (with the exception of a few days) every morning since. Yes, sometimes it’s a pain, but a baby is worth it. I also suggest using ovulation predictor kits (OPKs…those lovely pee sticks all the ladies are dying to use) to help you verify when you’re about to ovulate. My procedure since I started tracking my BBT was to start using the OPKs each cycle 4-6 days before I thought I was going to ovulate to verify when ovulation was occurring so the hubs and I could feel a bit more confident that we caught the fertile window each month.  I should probably own stock in Clearblue by now with as many of those OPKs that I bought over the last few years ;).

              And one more thing before I sign off today - did you know “there’s an app for that” if you have an iPhone? Actually, there are several apps that make it easy to record your temps and chart your ovulation. I’ve used a couple but have found that I like one called iPeriod the most because it can export the information via email if I need to print it and it shows you a line graph with just a turn of the phone (hence the charts above).  Good luck charting!

Make a difference

                Yesterday was Make a Difference Day 2012...and I missed it.  I planned on spending time this weekend writing another post for the blog (as I do roughly every week), but in honor of Make a Difference Day today I've decided to do something a little different.  Yes, I know I'm a day late but it's better than never!  Today I am spending the time I planned on trying to write an entry on sending encouraging emails to several wonderful ladies who, as a result of this blog, have confided in me regarding their fertility struggles.  Remember that it doesn't take some big event to make a difference in someone's life...sometimes all you have to do is remind them that you care.  Hope everyone is able to make a difference for someone else this week :).

Random thoughts from this past week...

Thought #1: Don't forget that good friends are a gift through the struggles of life.

                I recently had dinner with a friend that led into a conversation I wasn't expecting (I'll call her X to make this retelling easier).  X shared with me her total frustration about another dinner we were at a few weeks prior with a group of people and wanted to apologize to me for comments made by the others.  I can assure you that X did not make any comments at our group dinner that she needed to apologize for, but she felt like the others who dined with us on that particular occasion were being insensitive about my fertility situation...and to be honest, so did I but often times it's hard to say something.  I know people mean well, but sometimes they just don't realize that what they are saying is hurtful or, at the very least, not at all helpful.  And that goes for people struggling with fertility or any other issue out there.  But X's kind thoughts when we got together again (just the two of us) was a wonderful reminder of the blessing of friends.  No one is perfect and everyone is going to do something that hurts someone else's feelings sometime, but if you surround yourself with good people you will always have someone there to help pick you up when you are down.  So don't ever forget that your friends are a gift...and always try to return that gift to them :).

Thought #2: Students sure can make you feel awkward sometimes.

                I can't tell you how many times in the last few years students of mine have asked if I have any kids yet.  Innocent enough question, but when I say no it has led down two different paths: 1. they quit talking about it because their curiosity has been fulfilled OR 2. they begin to tell me why they think I should have kids.  In light of my journey thus far, I probably don't need to elaborate on how awkward I feel standing there listening to a 10 year old who chooses to go down path #2...

Au naturel

                I've talked a bit on here about acupuncture and its benefits for women and men who struggle with infertility issues.  I've also shared about the dietary guidelines I follow.  Today I want to talk about a couple of the other natural medical approaches I've tried in conjunction with these two things.  I know it is every person's choice what they feel comfortable trying and not trying when they are traveling down the road of becoming mommy or daddy.  While I have done some of the basics of what modern medicine suggests, I have preferred to explore pretty much all the avenues of natural medicine that I can before looking into some of the more invasive fertility treatments that modern medicine has to offer.  As the child of someone who emphasizes natural medical paths in her own practice (remember Julie Penick, DNP, PhD, ThD, FNP, MSN...and my mom?), I have learned so much about what the human body is able to do on its own if we do the things we need to do naturally to support it in the right way.  For me personally, I have explored natural treatments as much as I can so that I could give my body every opportunity to work as it was intended to work in the first place.  So, here are a couple other natural treatments I have explored:

1. Enzyme therapy...prescribed by that crazy lady that I call my mother :).  While we have changed the different enzymes that I have taken over the years based on new research and methods my mom learns about, I have always been taking something to help support my body.  Currently I swallow 41 pills/tablets/capsules a day between what my mom has me taking and the Chinese herb my acupuncturist has me taking.  I get a good half of my water intake for the day just when I'm taking my enzymes alone!  While it may seem like a lot, each of those supplements (those 41 capsules are from 11 different supplements) has a purpose and it's worth the few minutes it takes each day to swallow them down. 

2. Chiropractic work.  About 6 months ago, I went to see a chiropractor who specializes in helping people with non-typical issues.  He noticed my alignment was way off and that it was causing a lot of pressure in the area of my reproductive organs.  He did some adjusting a few times and my body finally seemed to be holding the adjustments so, as far as I know, my alignment is still good and the pressure has been relieved.

Lacey's story

                While I have thus far been spreading out the posting of stories shared with me by others, this time you're getting two stories of incredible women who I know and love back to back.  Last week I had the honor of sharing Laura's story and today I have the honor of sharing Lacey's story.  Lacey suffered the loss of her first pregnancy two years ago today and I received her story ready to share because she felt a strong urge to share it now as she reflected on what happened two years ago.  I believe if she feels a strong urge to share her story today that means someone out there needs to read it today.  So no waiting on this one - another beautiful story of strength and courage through loss from another amazing woman.  Lacey - thank you for following your heart and sharing your story so that others may be helped by your words.

                After 5 years of marriage, Joe and I felt we were ready to start a family. We started out in early 2010 with me stopping birth control pills and "trying". We were thrilled when, within only a few months, we were pregnant! I was beyond excited. I didn't want to tell a lot of people early on, but I shared the news with close friends and family by about the sixth week. I saw a midwife for the first time at eight weeks, had blood work done, peed in a cup, etc. Everything seemed to be progressing normally.

                I went back at twelve weeks for a regular appointment and the midwife listened for the heartbeat with a doppler. Joe was with me and we listened nervously, anxious to hear our baby's thumping little heart for the first time. (I remember early that morning having had some pretty uncomfortable cramping, but passed it off as those early pregnancy pains that I'd read one might experience.) We listened and listened, moving the doppler here and there. After several long, anxious moments, the midwife said she'd like to send us over to the ultrasound tech to get a good listen and look. For a few seconds, we were really excited - an unplanned view at our tiny baby! Then, it set in that things might not be okay. My emotions were all over the place!

                Our lives changed instantly when, in only a few seconds, the tech said, "I'm sorry guys. There is no heartbeat." There are not words to describe the immediate overwhelming grief I felt. Simply no words. It was a feeling deep in my soul of utter sadness. Joe held my hand and we cried. There was nothing else to do but to cry and pray.

                After a few minutes, we went back in to see the midwife and she explained our options. We could go home and wait for the miscarriage to complete itself. I had visions of sitting around for days or weeks waiting for nature to take its course. I wasn't sure I could carry on that way. The other option was to take some medicine to help my body along. We went with this option as it seemed like the "easiest" route to get through this.

                It was far from easy. The following 24 hours were the most painful, emotional, heart-wrenching moments of the entire experience. By late that night heavy cramping and bleeding began. It was a pain I imagined was equivalent to labor. Horrific, excruciating pain. Joe stayed by my side, holding my hand and being my nurse. We made it through a long, unpleasant night together.

                The days following were spent at home, talking to my mom, sister, and girlfriends on the phone. I was feeling like my life would never be happy again. I was pretty sure that I would never recover from the experience.

                That was October 4, 2010. Today is two-years since we lost our first baby. While I'm still deeply sad that we never met him or her, I am comforted by the fact that I can hold and snuggle our sweet, incredible nine-month-old daughter Mallory. It took my body six months to return to normal and several more months for us to get pregnant with her. My pregnancy was filled with the worry that miscarriage could happen again. It took me until about the middle of my pregnancy to feel that it was really going to "stick" this time. Holding Mallory for the first made that horrific day a more distant memory. As I rocked her to sleep last night, I whispered to her, "You are the reason God brought us through that awful day two years ago. He knew we needed YOU."

                For those who have experienced a miscarriage or have difficulty becoming parents, it is no consolation to hear that it will happen for them eventually. But, I know one thing for sure. There is purpose behind the journey we take. Though that purpose may not be clear yet, there will come a time when clarity sets in. Keep the faith.

                If anyone else would be willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.

Laura's story

                Today it is my honor to share my beautiful friend Laura's story.  She was one of the first people I shared my miscarriage news with and she has bravely agreed to share the details of the tough miscarriage she had a couple years ago with all of you.  Laura - I love you...thank you for your total transparency as you shared your story with me in your hopes that it would help another woman out there who might have in the past or will in the future go through a similar experience.

            St Patrick's Day 2010: I was too excited to wait one more day to find out on my anniversary. I wanted to surprise my husband, but after I peed on the stick, I just couldn't wait to tell him so I emailed him a picture of the result. That plus sign sure made me smile and once he got the picture, he was stoked as well. Our first daughter was a year and a half and we'd been trying to get pregnant with our second for about 5 months now. It was so easy the first time, we expected it to be easy this time. So when month after month I got my period, disappointment would start all over again. But now I had a reason to go see my OB again. Yay!
            That next week I was able to get an appointment and had my first ultrasound. We saw the tiny baby but there was no heartbeat. My doctor said it was probably too early in the pregnancy to see it so I had some blood drawn, answered some questions and scheduled my next month's appointment. Later that week I got a phone call that my hormone levels didn't seem right so they wanted me to come back in for some more blood work. At this point, I was a little nervous, but didn't really think much about it. So I went back, became their pin cushion (because I'm a hard stick), left, and awaited the phone call. Numbers still did not come back what they should have been so they asked me to come back. I was freaking out about this time, but I was trying hard not to show it. When I went back to the office, my doctor could tell I wasn't myself so he asked me if I wanted another ultrasound. I smiled and agreed. The baby was still there. I was relieved.
            My numbers still weren't what they should have been. I went back to the office a couple more times. I ended up having another ultrasound, and this time it was not pleasant. The heartless technician told me that she could see bleeding. She acted as if I had known all along. My doctor came in and explained I was having a miscarriage. He said other things, but honestly, I shut down. My body was present in the conversation, but my mind was completely elsewhere. That day I started spotting. I spotted all week. I didn't think it was horrible, and I wasn't even cramping. It just seemed like a light period really. I was sad, but I just hoped that somehow my body would heal my baby and everything was going to be fine. I had an appointment to see my doctor for more blood work and hoped that I would get one more ultrasound and it would be some miracle.
            Saturday, April 24th. I am house sitting for my mom who is on her way to another state and my husband is on a men's retreat two hours away. I'm cranky because I had still been spotting and my hope was diminishing. I had been up on my feet taking care of the dogs and keeping busy. I realized I needed to go to the bathroom. Wow! I soaked through that pad. About 20 minutes passed and I soaked through another one. What was going on? The flood gates opened, that's what was going on. Yes, I was having my miscarriage. I ended up spending that whole afternoon in my mom's bathroom. I was bleeding so much I could not get off the toilet. I was getting weak. I ended up climbing into the tub and turning on the shower. I felt disgusting, all hope was out the window. I had locked the door. I was too weak to get up. My dad had come over and I told him to go away, that I was fine. What a lie. I didn't want to be alone. A while later my sister arrived. She somehow figures out how to open the door and comes in. I'm sitting in the tub, naked, curtain drawn. She brought me a coke to try to help put some sugar in my system because I had lost a lot of blood. She stayed with me and comforted me as best she could. She called my doctor and he called in a prescription of some sort. I probably should have gone to the hospital, but I didn't want to leave. My husband ended up leaving the retreat to come be with me. I was still in the bathroom when he got there. As I sat on the toilet, he sat across from me while I laid my tired head on his shoulder. I was thankful he was there. I felt so alone and lost, even though he was right there with me. That day was the hardest, most emotional day of my life.
            About 9 months later we found out I was pregnant again. You can imagine how thrilled I was, but still I had doubts that everything was okay. Thanks to Jesus, everything was okay this time and we now have two beautiful, healthy daughters.
            So, now you've heard my story. I haven't ever written it down and so many of the feelings of losing my second child returned. I realize how much I isolated myself and felt so alone during that time. I had all the support a person could ever need and I chose to push it away rather than embrace it. For months I mourned the loss and fell into a state of depression. I needed Jesus most of all during that time and I was mad at him most of all. Why would he let me go through that? Why does he let anyone go through that? My heart goes out to all the women and families who deal with infertility and miscarriage. Please know that I am praying for you. Thanks for reading.

                If anyone else would be willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.

Your fertility does not affect your likeability ;)

                A message to all fertile myrtles of the world: I might be jealous of the ease of your journeys, but I still like you!  I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who you would definitely consider a fertile myrtle.  She shared with me that she enjoys following my blog but that she feels a bit guilty when she reads it because she had an easier road to motherhood.  (A little background about her: she has had the opposite of a struggle to get pregnant and actually got pregnant twice while on birth control.  While I may be jealous of the ease it took her to get to her beautiful little babies, I also know that it was difficult to get pregnant both times when she was not planning or preparing for it.)  So I want all you ladies out there that may be in the same fertile boat as my friend to know that, despite my struggles over the last 3 years, your success in conceiving and having a baby doesn't make me like you any less.  Some of my nearest and dearest supporters through this whole journey also happen to be some of the most fertile people I know.  The struggles of my fertility journey thus far have reminded me that you never know what people may be going through.  While I do admit jealously and reference it as a clever title for my blog, I know that even you fertile myrtles out there are struggling with issues of your own in some area of life or another.  It's not possible to face the hardships of this world alone and I thank God for surrounding me with friends (fertile and non-fertile alike) that I am blessed to fight through the mud with every day :).

Can you grieve a process?

                Turns out the answer is yes.  As I was voicing my frustration to a friend a few months ago, she shared some wise thoughts (as she often does...seriously, I should start paying her!) about grieving the process of what I thought having kids would be like.  We were talking about me not yet knowing how I felt about all the different avenues to becoming a parent that might be in the future for me and Steve...continued natural interventions and fertility drugs, seeing a fertility specialist for more invasive treatments, looking into adoption...  I think every prospective parent needs to decide for themselves what they are comfortable with at that time along their journey to becoming parents, and I was really torn as to where my heart was headed as a "next step" in our journey.  Then, in her seemingly infinite wisdom, my friend told me I probably needed to allow myself time to grieve the process of what I thought becoming a parent would be like before I was able to move on to a different step. 
                Grieve the process?  I know I grieved the loss of my first pregnancy, but I had never thought of dealing with the rocky road I've traveled on my way to motherhood as grieving.  But it is a form of grieving...it's mourning the easy path I thought I would be able to take to motherhood and realizing that God had a different plan for my life.  Let's be honest, when most of us are ready to become parents we think we can plan the time it's going to happen and that all those fertility issues won't happen to us.  Well, when they do happen it is a devastating loss.  A loss that at times leaves you feeling inadequate...a loss that constantly has you wondering "why me?"  So you have to grieve the loss of that process you thought you'd be able to follow to becoming a mommy or a daddy.  You have to let go of "the way things should have been" and accept what they are so that you can make the best decisions possible for your future family.  Thank you, my incredible friend, for helping me process through this journey by listening and giving me such great wisdom over and over again.
                If you think about it, please say a few prayers for this dear friend of mine because she is facing her own grieving right now.  She and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for approximately a year and she struggles with known health problems in her reproductive region.  Recently, when she went to a fertility doctor, she was given the harsh reality that she does not have all the options that most women trying to become mothers might have due to her existing health conditions.  So she either has to "go big or go home" a lot sooner than she imagined it might be...a frustration as she grieves the intermediate steps she thought she might be able to take on her path to motherhood.       

Hope is a treasure...

                As I was pulling my checkbook out of my wallet the other day, I found this fortune cookie "fortune" I had saved.  Hope is the most precious treasure to a person.  I obviously thought it was an important reminder or else I wouldn't have kept it.  No matter what trials you may be facing, remember that keeping hope in your mind is always a precious gift.  Despite my much longer than anticipated journey to motherhood so far, I have never lost hope.  Sure, I may have found myself confused and frustrated at times, but that doesn't mean I've lost hope.  I have hope in God's plan for my future...I have hope that His plan will be far better than I could have ever imagined for myself...I have hope that, when Steve and I are blessed to become parents, the experience will be everything I dreamed it would be and more.  I know that becoming a parent will be messy and crazy at times, but God gives me hope in a future filled with joy and love.  And it is this hope that has kept me going through the years.  I couldn't imagine a life without hope...and I pray that no matter what your circumstance is, you always find a way to hope in what lies ahead.

                And, just in case you're curious, the worst "fortune" I ever got from a cookie was foot: a device for finding furniture in the dark.  I did not save that one and yet I will probably never be able to get that wisdom out of my mind ;).

To stick or not to stick, that is the question

 

 

 

                I've mentioned several times that I go to an acupuncturist regularly for help with my infertility.  For those of you who think acupuncture is too "out there" for you, it was not only my alternative doc mom but also my modern medicine OBGYN that recommended I do acupuncture.  There is a ton of information out there about how acupuncture has been shown to increase fertility rates.  If you don't believe me, google it!  I just did today and come across several good sites, including these:

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/infertility/acupuncture.htm

http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/features/ancient-art-of-infertility-treatment

http://www.fertilityfactor.com/infertility_acupuncture.html

                Acupuncture is mostly painless (there is only one spot that makes me cringe a little...when I get a needle into the top of my big toe) and can help balance your body to increase fertility.  Plus, I'll be honest, I get some of my best naps laying on that table while the needles hang out for awhile and do their work :).  If anyone in the Springfield, MO area is interested in acupuncture, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.  I would be happy to pass along the info for the acupuncturist I go to.  She has received quite a bit of training specifically in fertility acupuncture and is well respected in the area as one of the best.  She did help me get pregnant once and I have faith that she can help me get there again.

Msn.com's 9 Natural Fertility Boosters

http://healthyliving.msn.com/pregnancy-parenting/advice/9-natural-fertility-boosters-2#1

1. Limit caffeine consumption to less than 300 mg a day (less than 50 mg per day if trying IVF).  According to the article, an average 8 oz cup of coffee has 100-130 mg of caffeine.

2. If you’re overweight, lose weight.

3. If you’re underweight, gain weight.

4. Try acupuncture.

5. Walk 30 minutes per day.  The article claims it helps increase circulation to the pelvis and reproductive organs.

6. Deal with depression.

7. Eat a balanced diet.

8. Strictly limit alcohol consumption.

9. Stop smoking and avoid second-hand smoke.

Who knows…I hope something on this list is helpful for someone who reads it.  The one thing I’ll take away from it is a reminder to limit my caffeine consumption.  Even though I only drink one cup of coffee per day and never drink soda, this one will encourage me to make sure I’m using half-caff and decaf more often :).  Can't hurt, right?

?

            Can I just be honest that sometimes God confuses me? Do you think less of me because I said that? I think people are often afraid to share those thoughts...afraid that it will make their faith seem weak or that they won't look as "holy" in the eyes of others. Well, look at me as you must today because I admit it - I'm confused. I'm confused about why God continues to allow this journey to motherhood to be so hard for me. On one hand, I know that He is using this bumpy road to help mature my faith and reach out to others. Just last week, He blessed me with the opportunity to be there for a good friend who was dealing with her own miscarriage (and I do count that as a true blessing); however, thinking about the fact that this road continues to endure for me and Steve and how long it might last still confuses me. I'm confused about why my body seems to have become more uncooperative lately. Aunt Flo has become fickle and I've had weird pains that I haven't experienced before. But I also realize that these new symptoms should allow me to qualify for my insurance company to cover the cost of a laparoscopy that my doctor and I discussed to verify we haven't missed any structural issues in my body. So I think the symptoms were a blessing in disguise...they've allowed me to more easily take a step forward in my journey, but experiencing them has been confusing and frustrating nonetheless. I'm confused when I hear of people "accidentally" getting pregnant. Why is it that they can fall backwards into something without even looking and I can't even get there with guidebooks, a navigation system, and a determination that would stand up to just about anything? I'll be honest...on this one I still haven't come across anything to ease my feelings of confusion.
            So that's the raw truth today, my friends - I'm confused. But I'm strong in my faith and a little confusion is not going to shake who I know God to be. I think it's ok that we are confused or have questions sometimes. Experiencing feelings of confusion doesn't shake my faith that He does has a plan for me and that His plan is far better than one I could come up with on my own (even if I am a pretty excellent planner in most areas of my life ;) ). Experiencing feelings of confusion means I'm human - imperfect and impatient. And I'm pretty sure that Jesus came down to Earth to give faith and hope to us imperfect and impatient humans by bridging a gap we would never be able to bridge on our own...

Lyndee's story

                This past week was back to school week 2012 - always a little crazy and it didn't really give me a chance to write a new post so I'm taking this opportunity to share another story of a courageous and strong woman that was shared with me.  No need to pick a name of a brave literary character this time.  Her name really is Lyndee and this is her story...
 
               My husband and I have always known we wanted to have kids. In fact, it was a necessity when we were looking for each other. We both used it as a screening for potential future spouses.
                For me, the desire to be a mom started in my childhood. I was 8 when my youngest brother was born and my mom suffered from serious postpartum depression. As a result, I became a second mom to my little brother. I remember feeding, dressing, bathing, and playing with him. I also changed his diapers and helped in any other way I could. I loved it. As a teenager, I baby-sat kids.  One little boy, I would watch for 12 hours sometimes because his parents both worked and his mom was finishing nursing school. Again, he became like my own child. I am still close to his family and in fact, my husband and I are godparents to that little boy and his brother and sister.
                I always envisioned becoming a mom. I have always wanted kids. In fact, I became a teacher and am surrounded by kids all day during the school year. When I was a child and would picture my future family, I envisioned it, not around a husband, but around kids. Unfortunately, I was so focused on school that I didn’t spend much time dating. I finally met my husband while I was in grad school and we were engaged three months later. We got married in July 2009 with the agreement that we would wait two years before trying for kids.
                However, I got antsy and pushed for trying sooner. He finally relented and in March of 2011, I finished my birth control and we started trying. For the first few months, I wasn’t worried. I knew it could take healthy couples up to a year, but I really thought that by 6 months, we would be pregnant. We weren’t. I tried everything I could think to make it better. I took my temperature and used Ovulation Predictor Kits to determine when I was ovulating. We timed intercourse perfectly. I would lie afterwards with a pillow under my bottom. We tried the positions most recommended for conceiving. We bought Pre-Seed and used it.
                When we had tried for 11 months, I called to make an appointment with an OBGYN. He tested my husband. He was fine. He also did an HSG test on me. Nothing was blocked. Finally he put me on Clomid. I have been on it for three months.
                Every month, the depression I felt got worse. At first I would cry for an hour when I got my period. That slowly turned into several hours and then a day. Then I would be depressed for a few days. It was horrible for both me and my husband. My husband was very patient with me, but eventually he said, “I feel like you have given me so much happiness and you have only been miserable with me.” That broke my heart, but as much as I wanted to reassure him that he would be enough, I just couldn’t. I knew that if I never had kids, I would feel cheated. Why can so many others do it so effortlessly, but we have put such work into it and gotten nothing in return?
                I was slowly becoming miserable all the time. I hated going to work, because there were so many kids around. I hated spending time with my family, because they all told me I just needed to relax. How can you relax when you want something so badly and there is nothing you can do to get it? I hated watching television, because it seemed someone was pregnant or had small children on every show. I was so fixated and life was becoming a nightmare.
                I have been a Christian since I was a small child. I was raised to trust that God would give us what we needed and we needed to be patient and trust Him to provide. But it seemed God no longer cared. I begged him to listen and send us what we wanted so desperately. I cried and pleaded for hours at a time. I would have given anything, or so I thought, just to have that baby I had always wanted.
                Then in May of 2012 our world changed. My husband went to the doctor and came home with a diagnosis of cancer. It was melanoma, but the tumor was so large, they wanted to check his lymph nodes to be sure it hadn’t spread. June 15, we got the news we never expected. The cancer was in the lymph node they took, meaning it had spread beyond the skin. Now it was serious. They would need to go in and remove all the lymph nodes under his arm. If it was in more than 2 more lymph nodes, the prognosis was not good. My husband would have about a 50/50 chance of surviving 5 more years.
                Suddenly my life was shattered. How many 27 year olds have to face the possibility of becoming a widow? And I began to pray and plead yet again. But this time for God to spare my husband. I made him a deal I thought I would never make. “Please save my husband’s life. Let us grow old together and you can take away any chance of us ever having kids together. Just let him be okay.”
                My husband went in for surgery a week later and a week after that, we had our results. The rest of his lymph nodes were clear. Now his prognosis is around 80% for 5 years. We’re currently getting ready for him to start a clinical trial.
                I still want kids. I want them as much as I want air to breathe, but I would make that prayer again in a heartbeat. I would trade all my potential children for just 5 more years with my husband. And I mourn that year I spent being miserable. I could have been enjoying time with my husband when he was healthy. I could have appreciated the wonderful spouse God gave me instead of screaming at him for not giving me the children I wanted.
                Maybe we will have children someday. Maybe we won’t. With the medical bills we have from my husband for past and future treatments, I doubt we will ever be able to afford the more invasive treatments like IVF. But it doesn’t matter so much anymore. I guess it’s really all about perspective. And mine is forever altered by what could have been.

                To Lyndee herself - as we both returned to work this past week, I thought of you often.  Thank you again for allowing me to share your story.  And to anyone else who would be willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.

Aunt Flo has become fickle

                For the last two cycles my period has been late with no explanations and no pregnancy either time :/.  5 days late the first time, 3 days the second.  If you've been trying or tried to conceive for any amount of time, you can understand the kind of back and forth emotions that could come along with a late period.  It's like you're waiting to pick up a family member at the airport.  You do your preparations: verify their flight arrival time, clean out the passenger seat of your car (at least I know I would have to take that step...some of you may take better care of your vehicles), leave the house with plenty of time to make it to the airport, and make sure to have your cell phone ready so that they can call you when they arrive.  But then you arrive and you're stuck circling the airport because you haven't heard from them yet.  So you decide to park the car and go inside to check if their flight has been delayed.  No delay or cancellation notices, no phone calls - so what the heck is going on?!  That's what a late period when you're trying to conceive feels like...a frustrating, unexplained delay.  A cancellation notice would mean a positive pregnancy test so you'd be thrilled to get that as your answer.  But no cancellation notices here (trust me, I checked...and checked...and checked one more time just to make sure).  I guess my Aunt Flo just decided to roam around the airport doing some duty free shopping when her plane first landed without telling me.  And then she finally comes walking out.  She's later than I expected, but she arrives all the same.
                When Steve and I first got married, I breathed a sigh of relief every month when I would get my period.  (Come on ladies, don't act like you didn't do it too ;) - I've had plenty of friends who have expressed the same thoughts to me!)  But now, instead of being relieved that I'm a young newlywed whose birth control seems to be working well, I struggle with feelings of disappointment the day my not-so-dear Aunt Flo comes to visit.  And since she's decided to throw me for a loop with her fickle ways the last couple months, I'm even more annoyed with her than usual.

                Lord - Thank you that you have a plan for Steve and me.  Thank you that you know the paths that lie ahead and that you walk with me every step of the way.  Although at times I may become frustrated when a rock falls into my path, I will keep my eyes focused on you and the wonderful gifts you have for me in my life.  I hold steadfastly to your word that you work all things for my good and can't wait to see the future you have in store for our family.

"I see pregnant people..."

                Anyone else ever noticed the phenomenon where you start seeing the car you just purchased everywhere around you?  Never really took notice of it before, but once you start driving it you realize how many of them are actually on the road?  Well…pretty sure it’s like that with pregnant women or new moms when you’re trying to conceive!  I obviously can’t take notice of other women who are also trying to conceive (it’s not like we wear a sign around or anything), but boy does it seem like I will hone in on any pregnant woman or baby in a car seat within a 50 foot radius.  I was at a store on vacation last week and, while waiting in line to check out, I immediately noticed two pregnant women and one new mom (she had an adorable little girl sitting in the cart while she loaded the conveyor belt) among the people in my close proximity.  I think most women tend to notice cute babies around, but I don’t really remember taking extra notice of pregnant women until my husband and I started trying to conceive.  But now that I desire to have a rounded belly of my own (probably the only time in life people ever think "I wish I had a bigger belly"), it's all I can think about when I see a pregnant woman.  As if I didn't think about it enough already...

Oh, and yes, the title of this post is a reference to The Sixth Sense ;). 

7

                Back from another summer trip (this summer break thing is an EXCELLENT reason to become a teacher…just saying) in time to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary today.  I thank Steve for walking this path through life with me and holding my hand every step of the way.  We used to talk about waiting 5 years to have kids…I guess God decided we needed a little longer together with just the two of us.  While this continued journey to parenthood can get frustrating and discouraging at times, I am thankful that Steve is by my side and will remind myself to cherish the time that we are being given to enjoy the company of each other.  And when we are blessed with the babes that await us in our future, I know our lives will be enriched more than we could have ever hoped for.  Steve - I love you and I can't wait to see you as a daddy :).

Bring on the cake

                Well, this week marks my 27th birthday.  In case you were wondering, I plan on celebrating with some yummy desserts and various other foods that are normally off limits due to my dietary restrictions.  And now that I've drooled all over my keyboard just thinking about all that deliciousness, I guess it's time I move on to the real point of this post ;).  27...not a monumental age to turn by any means, but an age where I still find myself trying to become pregnant and hoping that this will be the year it happens.  When people would ask me during my early 20s when Steve and I were planning on having kids, I used to say that I wanted to start having kids when I was 25 and that I would be upset if I turned 26 without a baby in my arms or in my belly.  So when Steve told me he wanted to start trying to conceive just about a week after my 24th birthday, in my head (remember, I am a compulsive planner who plans out everything) I thought our timing would be perfect.  But then I turned 25...26...and now 27 still traveling the rocky road to parenthood.  One of the biggest lessons I've learned through this whole journey is that God needs me to let go of my plan sometimes.  I truly believe that He works all things for my good and I know that His timing will be flawless when He decides to bless us with a little one.  But still, I have to remind myself often as I continue down this journey that His plan is perfect because it's something I think most people tend to lose sight of in the midst of their struggles.  I pray that if you are reading this blog today, that you see God through your struggles...that you realize there is hope in the heartache (whatever that may be)...that you believe in His plan and His timing for your life...and that you seek Him for comfort and courage as you continue down your path.

Elizabeth's story

                Just to make sure we're on the same page here, I should probably start by saying that her name isn't really Elizabeth.  Elizabeth is the name I've chosen for this particular post because the real woman prefers to remain anonymous.  I figured if I had to come up with some false names when sharing stories that are given to me, I would chose some names from inspiring literary characters.  Names of inspirational characters for inspirational people who are willing to share their stories in hopes that they will help others...makes sense to me :).  So, today's story happens to be named after one of the greatest of all time - Elizabeth Bennet from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.  Thank you Elizabeth for sharing your story with me and anyone else who happens upon this blog!  I chose to share this story first because it came to me from someone I do not know personally and that served as a reminder to me of why I started this blog in the first place...to provide a connecting point with others who are traveling or have traveled a rocky road to parenthood.  We travel the road together and I am grateful that God has given us this space to share our experiences with each other.  Elizabeth wrote out her own story and I will be sharing it just as it was shared with me (with the exception of a few minor adjustments to ensure her anonymity as I promised). 

                I'll start my story with the birth of my niece in November of 2009, that was the first time I knew for sure I was ready to have a baby. My husband and I talked about it and began preparing by finding myself a better job with benefits and him taking a promotion at work. We thought that once we had our finances in order and the right state of mind all we had to do then was the baby dance and get pregnant. Well we officially started trying in November of 2010. When January rolled around and we still weren't pregnant that's when the fights would begin and the intimacy became forced and not very much fun. Well on February 4, 2011 I got that beautiful BFP! It was the day before I left on a week long vacation with my best friend to Florida. I was elated and surprised my husband with the positive test and a little note stating that we had done it! He came home that night from work and immediately called me, we were so excited. The next morning I headed to Florida with my BFF.

                When I returned a week later I found that my husband had been working on the house to prepare for baby and had already been online picking out furniture. To say we were happy was putting it mildly. The following day at work I told my boss b/c I had called the doctor and made my first appointment for 2 weeks later. Things went on just as usual all the while we held this big secret because we wanted to surprise the family since we always joked that we would never have a baby.

                The week before my first appointment I started to bleed, it was a Wednesday and it wasn't bright red and there was no pain so we weren't too freaked out yet. I called the Dr's office and they told me to take it easy and lay with my feet elevated and go to the ER if the bleeding got worse. Friday morning is when the horrible cramps came along with the bright red blood. We headed to the ER at 7:30, I was put back in a room fairly quickly then came all the tests including a vaginal ultrasound ( which is extremely painful.) When we were getting ready to leave at about noon the Dr told us there was still a developing fetus and my numbers were high but I should get them checked again on Monday. I never broke down and cried that day I was just numb, my husband however didn't fair as well.  That weekend just happened to be the weekend one of my hubby's family members was moving in with us to stay for a few weeks. His dad also stopped in to stay a few days. So we had this thing happening and couldn't tell anyone and we couldn't be alone, it was really hard. On Monday I went and had my blood drawn and waited for a phone call which came around 4:30. The nurse informed me that my numbers had dive bombed and it was considered an unviable pregnancy. I'll never forget my drive home, I had to get all my crying out before I made it home where the family was staying, it was so hard to only spend 30 minutes mourning and then having to act normal the rest of the night. I then went in for a follow up to make sure everything went back to normal a week later. Since I was only 6 weeks I didn't have to do a D&C or anything like that.

                We were told to wait two cycles before trying again. Two months go by and we start again thinking it only took 3 months the first time, this should be easy. That summer is when I started getting really in depth into what it took to get pregnant and started my research on fertility and how to increase it and timing of intercourse. Once February of 2012 rolled around and we still hadn't gotten pregnant I called my Dr to start getting tested. I had my progesterone and thyroid levels tested and they came back normal, then sent hubby in to get a semen analysis which came back normal. A few weeks later I went in for an HSG test, which I was terrified of but it went smoothly and showed no blockages. The Dr said its just unexplained infertility, which sucks. I told my husband that if nothing happens by March 2013, we will be headed to a fertility clinic in KC or STL to see about IVF or other options.

                I think through the whole ordeal the hardest parts have been not telling our family what is going on and seeing tons of girls get pregnant around us. There are literally 5 people that know we are trying and that is it, I just couldn't handle the constant questions and advice our parents and family would spring on us if they knew.

                To Elizabeth herself - thank you again for allowing me to share your story.  And to anyone else who would be willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.

A Niagara Falls of grateful tears

"I'm sure you've also had a time when things collapsed around you.  Describe the circumstances.  How did you feel?" - from Fingerprints of God by Jennifer Rothschild
                That is the question from my current bible study that had me on my couch in tears just a few days ago.  All I could think about was the day of my miscarriage...the physical pain, the emotional heartbreak, and the mental questioning of the entire situation.  But through those hard to bear thoughts and emotions that caused another Niagara Falls of tears, I also thought of the blessings I was given on that day - most importantly, of the people who made more of a difference than they probably realized.  God surrounded me with incredible colleagues, family members, and friends who made that experience easier to handle.  So today, I simply want to thank God for placing these people in my life and to thank the people themselves for everything they did for me.
                Thank you to an incredible colleague who didn't question me and covered my classes for the rest of the day when I left without warning after asking her to watch my students so I could take a quick restroom break...to my colleague's student teacher who stepped up and made it possible for her to cover for me...to my school nurse and secretaries for providing me with a safe space to contact my husband and my doctor before I left the school and for sending me out the door with no work burdens on my back as they made sure everything would be covered...to my boss who, even before he knew what was going on, didn't question why I had to leave work and told me to take whatever time off I needed...to my colleagues who were concerned for me when I left unexpectedly and reached out with support (not knowing what had happened yet) upon my return...to my parents whose medical resources quickly eased my physical pain in the comfort of my own home and who provided emotional support when I needed it the most...to my friends for being understanding when I ditched out on our dinner plans that evening without giving a reason...and, of course, to Steve for being there to hold my hand as we both grieved our loss. 
                As many of you who read this blog have been through a similar circumstance yourselves, I pray that you are also able to reflect on the good things that happened in the midst of despair.  While it doesn't change the heartbreak you feel over your loss, it does remind you of the blessings that surround us all every day we walk the face of this earth.  And for that, even through the tough times, I believe wholeheartedly that we should be grateful.

A desire that follows me around the world

                Well, I'm back from a vacation to the Riviera Maya with my husband feeling refreshed and renewed :).  Oh, and still wanting to be a mom just as much as ever.  No matter where we are in the world or what we're doing, it still seems that thoughts of a baby pop up constantly.  When I ate something I knew I wasn't supposed to (hey, it was a vacation after all), felt a cramp in my stomach, saw a cute kid walk by...etc, etc...I was once again reminded of our continued journey to become parents.  And having Steve 24 hours a day for 6 days with no other distractions even enhanced those thoughts because it gave us the chance to reflect on what's been going on more.  As much as I sometimes wish I could just take a mental detour from this road I'm traveling, I don't think it would be possible to take a break from something your heart desires so much.  It's a desire that permeates everything I do.  And if my desire is that great, I realize that when my prayers are answered it will probably result in unspeakable joy that I can't even fathom right now.  So my prayer today is for all of you who are also trying to become mommies and daddies - that you would experience unspeakable joy sooner rather than later :).

Will you share your story?

                Calling all ladies (and gentlemen if you would like to share) who have struggled with or are currently struggling with infertility or miscarriage: would you be willing to share your story?  When I initially started this blog, I wrote that part of my desire was to be able to share the stories of other amazing women who have struggled on the road to motherhood as well.  If you are willing to share your story, please email me at jealousoffertilemyrtle@gmail.com.  I would love for you to type your story up in your own words (it is your story, after all...who could tell it better?) or I would be happy to give you some questions if it would be easier for you to share in a Q&A format.  I think it's important for us to share our stories - it helps us cope and heal as we travel forward along our paths in life.  A friend of mine (who has inspired comments several times here on the blog already...she's just kind of that amazing!) sent me the following picture from her daily inspirational calendar yesterday:

"Friends are an important part of sharing the burden and worry of each day"...I hope that by you sharing your story with me and anyone else who reads this blog, we can create a community of friends to share the burden together :).